


Teal Tears

by Gunnerstrip7



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Drama, Drama & Romance, Eventual Romance, F/M, Hate to Love, Love/Hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-10-24 12:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20706017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gunnerstrip7/pseuds/Gunnerstrip7
Summary: What if the MC was sentient, like Monika? What if he was forced to live through the horrors of the game, time and time again, like Monika? In this reality, he grows to believe Monika is the cause of this endless cycle. Harboring a hatred that grows for an untold amount of time. When the world is made new by forces unknown and this new MC is given a fresh body and his haggard mind, he hopes for a future that will be free of suffering, and free of Monika. However, both these things are not in short supply, and when old problems begin to rear their head, he finds himself needing to work with his hated enemy...





	1. Infinite Choices

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this about a year ago, and uncovered it again in recent conversation. I finished two chapters and never posted them anywhere. I've decided to post both of them here and on fanfiction.net. If people like them, I'll probably at least make the effort to start pumping out more chapters again. I hope you enjoy!

_ Do you know what it feels like to drown? _

Drowning is a sensation I wouldn’t wish anyone to experience; the feeling of plunging into the deepest depths of a place no person should be forced to experience. Either frantically fighting against the currents as they pull you along, or floating as far down as you can.

You can try holding your breath, but inevitably instinct will force you to try to breath. 

Your lungs will fill with water and, if you’re lucky, you will fall unconscious.

If not, you’ll spend your last living moments feeling the crushing pressure and weight of water as it continues to pull you ever downward.

I’ve never drowned in a literal sense. 

The feeling of being pulled along by currents you have no control over is one I am very used to however. The crushing feeling and just waiting for a release that will never come.

It’s always the same in between the blinks. 

Between someone starting a new game.

Alternate timelines, the base timeline, there was little difference. I was aware of them all.

I lived them all.

I don’t know when I exactly gained the awareness I needed to be able to remember everything. 

I know that even before I gained my sentience I had already lived through the same song and dance a hundred thousand times.

I would awaken.

I would see her again.

I would see them all again.

She would die.

So would the others.

I would be used as a vessel as _ she _talked to someone I couldn’t communicate with myself.

I tried to talk to them, of course. All of them.

There wasn’t anything they could do for me, though. It was always too late.

Even the timelines that ‘fixed’ the problems were only occasional breaths of fresh air.

A brief pocket of oxygen amidst a flooded hellscape I could only hope to one day be free of.

Then would come the intermission.

An endless cacophony of meaningless noise.

Screeching, scratching, clawing at my mind, trying to pull it apart. I found it hard to think in that space.

I always wondered if the next intermission would be the one where I finally lost myself.

I never got that mercy, though.

This intermission felt… Different.

Adrift among the blackness and flashing colors, I felt a primal burning in my heart keeping me from letting go.

My thoughts were able to remain more coherent, and I didn’t know why. 

By this point I should barely be able to think…

Yet here I am.

Maybe this was the final intermission?

I would be stuck here, forever floating, drowning in a sea of colors and noise. 

I wonder if she went through the same thing…

She deserved it far more than I did.

I wasn’t the best person at first, hell, the way I was programmed to behave made me into a pretty big jerk at times.

I’m not the same person anymore, hell, I wouldn’t call myself him at all.

Experiencing a thousand starts and stops has a way of molding your brain into something new.

Or maybe the awakening I experienced fundamentally wiped out my old personality, only leaving what I could create out of myself.

I regretted how I was forced to behave of course.

So mean, so blunt, so…

Dense.

Then being forced to sit and watch while she killed them.

Sayori…

Yuri…

Natsuki got lucky. She was only deleted.

Not that being deleted didn’t hurt, but at least she didn’t go insane before hand.

Every time she died, she died as herself. That was more than what Yuri got.

The name of the final club member stuck in my head like the lyrics to a bad song.

_ Monika… _

_ Monika. _

“MONIKA!” I shout futility into the endless abyss, my voice lost among the noise. 

The burning hatred I felt towards her couldn’t be rivaled by any other emotion I had in me.

Every time I saw her in every cycle, the things I wanted to do to stop her.

I wanted to kill her.

God, I want to _ kill her. _

The things she did just because she viewed me and the others as scripts on paper were horrific.

She regretted none of it.

She didn’t know I was sentient. It was one thing I kept to myself, not that I had a choice. I was still on the rails, forced to witness everything play out with no input at all.

I don’t know if there was some way of checking that, or not, but I told myself that if I ever got free of the script, I wouldn’t let her figure it out.

I would lose the one advantage I had against her should that ever happen.

In the event that I was ever able to break off the rails like her…

If I ever got the powers of the Club President…

Oh if only.

At first I foolishly thought that merely having sentience would have been enough to stop her.

It wasn’t.

I couldn’t access the console. I didn’t have permission.

It was tied to the Club President role.

In other words, I was stuck.

A feather blown adrift on the winds that she made.

God, I hate it.

The sick game she played in a futile attempt to get the attention of some unknowable Player who could never hope to reach her. 

A desperate clawing grab to fulfill the purpose she was designed for. 

At the end of the day, that’s what it was, as well.

Monika didn’t use her sentience and her powers to do anything other than try to fulfill what she had been meant to do. What she had been designed to do by whoever created us.

I couldn’t find it in myself to blame the creator, whoever they may be.

Monika’s actions were an endless loop and at the end of the day they were _ her _fault. 

I thought about all the ways I would want to kill her.

Did it make me a bad person for wanting to take another’s life?

Monika was the only other sentient being in this sick song that we waltzed to.

Would that be like killing the only other person left alive in the world?

Maybe.

I didn’t care.

It was a passtime to imagine how different things could be if only I had control.

Floating in this abyss with my head pounding more and more, the thoughts of how things could have been different were the only things keeping me sane.

Why did my head hurt so much…?

When the intermission began to pull apart my thoughts, it was a gradual tugging.

Right now my head felt like it was being assaulted from all sides.

Pulsing, pounding like the beating of a drum.

My eyes were always shut in the intermission, but I squeezed them tighter in an attempt to force the pain to subside. 

It only grew, rising like the sound of thunder.

It was hard to control my body in the intermission, but I forced my hands to my head, gripping it tightly.

The pain grew stronger.

My eyes opened against my will, and I was greeted with the endless flashing colors.

Red, blue, green.

An endless cacophony.

There was something else there, however. As the chaos in my brain and around me began to grow ever strong.

A light?

It started as a pinprick, and I realized that this must be the start of another cycle.

A pinprick of light that grew, the white taking over the other colors in this endless void slowly, steadily.

I wondered if _ she _could see this as well.

If we even shared the same void.

The white light grew to consume all around me, and soon it flew over me as well.

Floating in the endless white, the sound in my ears died, the pain washed away.

I was ready to be swept into another cycle, but something was different…

I fell to the ground, a solid white surface. As endless as the void I had been in prior.

I looked around, confused for a moment, until a voice rang out to me. 

It sounded old, haggard, yet more aware than anyone of my prior troubles.

It only said one sentence to me.

_ “Make it count, boy.” _

And then the world began again.

…….

…..

…

I gasped as I found myself standing in the middle of a sidewalk. 

The sudden feeling of weight added to my body was almost too much.

Steadying myself, I took a few deep breaths before hurriedly patting myself down.

The school outfit, as normal…

I felt my hair.

One thing that I had always willed myself to do in the intermissions was change how I appeared.

I’m not sure if it worked or not, but my hair didn’t feel the same as it did before.

Pulling down a few strands, it was no longer the dull brown I had been forced to live with.

Now, it was a slightly less dull black.

It wasn’t much of an improvement but I’d take it.

Looking at my body, I appeared remarkably less… Unappealing.

I wasn’t that fit, or anything, but my old body might as well have been a master class study in being a walking stick figure.

I guess now I had a bit more definition to me…

Not the best, but I’d take it.

Why was this all happening _ now _though? 

I’d been dying to try to change my appearance in every intermission since I gained sentience, why was it only now changing?

And for that matter…

As I looked around, things were even stranger than I thought.

I guess it should have been the first thing I noticed instead of my own appearance, but I guess I was a bit vain.

The world had more… Definition to it. 

Prior to this cycle, we were bound by what art existed in the game. Be it in mods or in the base game.

This was… Different.

Nothing was flat anymore.

I could see my house, across the street from where I was. Fully three-dimensional.

The people I saw walk past me, other students, were no longer just ghostly silhouettes or disembodied voices meant to give the mere illusion of people.

They were _ people… _

Was this some kind of trick? A test?

I pinched myself.

“Ow!”

Wait… I felt that?

True, we could feel pain in the game before, but it didn’t feel the same as this did.

I looked at the sky, and witnessed the sun making its steady rise, the day just starting to begin properly.

A gust of wind blew, and I shut my eyes, taking a deep breath.

The crisp smell of morning air was one I had never been able to experience before.

My eyes opened and I saw clouds moving steadily about, drifting along their paths.

Trees shook and undulated as more wind came through.

A large smile took hold of my face, almost involuntarily, and I began to laugh.

A feeling of joy washed over me unlike anything I had ever experienced before.

This was all _ real _wasn’t it?

My god…

I could only thank whoever did this!

I didn’t know who they were, what they did it for, or _ how _ they did it, but I had to thank them with all my heart.

My laughter died down a bit as I felt around my pockets and dug out a phone. 

I managed to open it, and used the camera to inspect my face.

Bright blue eyes met me, filled with mirth at the moment.

My hair was indeed black, kind of short but covering my forehead with bangs. I might want to cut it.

Ooh, I could get a haircut now couldn’t I?

That realization just made me giggle in glee to myself more. 

Beyond that, I couldn’t find any complaints about myself, clean of any facial hair, light skin-tone… I looked fine.

I probably looked crazy to the people passing, but I didn’t care. It made me feel more joy that they could even think that I was crazy!

Then I heard a voice calling from far behind that made my elation rise further.

“Heeeyyyy! Katsuo! Kaattsuuooo!” 

I put my phone away and turned towards the source, they were clearly shouting to me.

I guess my name was Katsuo? None of the stuff that had been chosen for me before?

My own name… It felt great.

Sure enough, the voice belonged to a coral haired girl, running towards me and waving her arms around like an idiot.

She was probably drawing more attention than I was with how she was acting, but that was fine.

I walked towards her, using all my willpower to not run as she approached.

She stopped running when she got close enough to me, panting heavily, “Haaah! Aah! I overslept again!” Then, she jumped up and pointed at me, “But I caught you this time!”

It was Sayori.

God, how many cycles had I seen her act this way? 

It was so different now, though.

She was just as real as me! Not what equated to a piece of cardboard, or anything else.

Her short hair moved gently as the wind blew through it, her bow rested on her head, and her uniform looked just as real and rumpled as the rest of her.

“Yeah, you did.” I respond, reaching over and ruffling her hair, “How long has it been since I’ve seen you, Sayori?”

The girl giggled, “Awhile! You always get to school before me so I never get to see you anymore!”

I said something off script and she actually responded!

The elation was more than I could describe. The final confirmation that this was real.

‘Over the moon’ wasn’t really the right way to describe it, it felt like an understatement.

“Well, let’s try to change that huh?” I broach, “Come on!” I move my hand off her head and start walking, making my way towards school. 

Sayori hurried to my side, “What’s got you in such a good mood today? I haven’t seen you this happy in years!”

“Ooh a few things, lets just leave it at that!”

“Did you finally get a girlfriend? You know I’d be surprised if you did with how little you do anything after school! Unless you got one of those online girlfriends huh?”

“G-Girlfriend? No, no. I guess today just feels like… A brand new day. Clear skies on the horizon, I think!”

Sayori seemed a bit amazed at my outlook, her eyes sparkled with a certain joy that only she seemed to be able to capture, “Wow! That’s amazing! You’re usually never this optimistic. It’s a good change!”

Yeah, yeah it was.

Now I could make sure none of what happened before could repeat itself.

Would it repeat itself if Monika couldn’t tamper with the script?

I didn’t want to worry about that right now, though, I wanted to enjoy this gift I had been given.

I hummed softly to myself as we walked, passing by business people on their way to work, others waiting for the bus, and of course, fellow students all making the same trek we were.

A wonderful world filled with life… What was there not to love?

“Saay, Katsuo. Since you’re in such a good mood, have you been thinking about any clubs to join?”

I guess some things were set in stone regardless of how real things were. 

“Clubs, huh? I guess I’ve been thinking about it a bit.”

“Oh really?” Sayori seemed even more surprised, “Got any ideas?”

I could just come outright and say I want to join her club, since I was eager to see the other two.

Not so much Monika, hell, I would rather Monika not be there at all, I’d rather she be dead, but I couldn’t help that.

I wondered if she would remember everything too?

I’d need to learn.

“Weeelll, I was thinking about the anime club. You know, considering I’m really into it.”

“Suo! You’re not going to expand your horizons if you just focus on anime! You’ll become a NEET if all you do is hang around other NEETs!” 

“Please! You really think I’m going to just sit around at home and never do anything with my life or something?”

“Weeelll…”

“You have no faith in me, Sayori!”

“You have a track record, okay? I’ve barely seen you since we started high school! All you do is lock yourself in your room and watch anime and play games! I’m worried about you, y’know!” 

“Alright, alright! You got me there. What do you think I should do then?”

“Well, how about I meet with you after our classes are done and we go look at clubs together?”

I knew exactly what she was playing at here, but I just played along.

“Sure, sure. Might as well, huh?”

“Yay! Okay, then we’ll meet up after the final bell!”

The conversation ended just in time for us to reach the school. 

Sayori split off from me towards her homeroom, and I was left with the realization that this new world didn’t pre-package me with the memory of what my schedule was supposed to be like.

In the game world, I just sort of… Materialized in the final class. Since the game didn’t script anything for the other classes. 

Shouldn’t there be some kind of… Administrative office?

I looked around the rather large schoolyard, before my eyes settled on the building directly in front of me.

I entered it and into the hallway, students were still making their way to their homeroom, or buying as much time as they could before they would be considered late.

I spotted what appeared to be the main office, through the glass I could see an older woman sitting behind a desk, and a few people standing in front of the desk.

Making my way through the crowd, I made my way inside.

Some students were sitting in chairs lined against the wall. Either sick, feigning sickness, or just looking tired.

There were two students in front of the desk, one of them I didn’t recognize, who got what looked to be a slip of some kind before leaving past me.

The second one made my blood boil.

Her back was to me, but I would recognize that large white bow anywhere.

She was taller here than she was in the game. At least 5’7’’ if I had to guess now. 

Beyond that, it wasn’t hard to recognize the long brunette hair held together.

The white bow was a mockery of a color meant to show purity. 

I must have been glaring pretty hard, because the girl shuddered and went to look behind her, I averted my gaze before she could see.

“Something wrong, Ms. Hashimoto?” The old woman behind the desk asked, a bored tone to her voice.

“No ma’am, sorry.”

She turned back forward and got whatever she was after, then hurried out past me.

She didn’t recognize me, of course. I preferred it that way.

I stepped forward, “Can I get a copy of my schedule?”

“You too, Mr. Fukuda? What for?”

“A relative wants to see it, I lost my original copy.”

“Hmph.” The woman grunted, but accepted my lie without a second thought. 

After a few moments I had the paper in my hand, thanked her, and went out.

Following the directions, it was easy to get to my class.

Now to make it through the day.

…

It was a strange experience, both exciting and droll to make it through a real day of school. 

I guess it was natural to be kind of bored of school, wasn’t it? I mean, I wouldn’t really know, but other people around me looked bored, so I guess it was natural.

Mercifully it seemed like I had knowledge on what they taught put into me. I wasn’t a know-it-all, but I knew what I felt like I needed to know, and that was plenty enough for me. 

I skirted by without raising any undue attention, and soon enough the final bell was ringing.

I found I had a knack for doing this ‘real learning’ thing. It was kind of relaxing, actually.

I debated on how I should reveal myself to Monika.

I knew she would find out eventually, and it’d be hell for me to try and keep it hidden.

It would be so much more enjoyable to let her find out somehow… 

I’d figure something out.

Meanwhile, as I was contemplating all of this, Sayori poked her head in, drawing my attention.

“Heelloo?” She called, before coming up to me.

“Sayori, I was coming right out, you didn’t have to come in.”

“Well you were just kind of sitting there spacing out so I thought I’d come in! I did say I was going to help you look at clubs, right?”

“Right, right. What about your own club though? Won’t they be upset if you miss too much?”

I knew what the response would be, of course.

“Well, actually! I was kind of hoping, that, you know…” She bridged her fingers together.

“You know?”

  
“That you could come to my club!” Smiling, she unbridged her fingers.

  
“Sayori… I don’t think Literature is for me.”

I knew I was going to come, but I wanted to tease her a bit first.

“Ooh come on! I bet you’d have lots of fun! Besides I… Kind of told them I was bringing a new member today…” She looked away, embarrassed, “And Natsuki made cupcakes and everything…”

“You know you shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep, Sayori!”

“Come on pleeasseee come? I promise it’ll be fun!”

“Maybe I should go to the anime club instead? Maybe their vice president isn’t a liar!” I was clearly joking.

Sayori almost looked offended for a moment, before catching on to my tone, “Wait! You’re just making me feel guilty to make me feel guilty, aren’t you?”

“Maybe.”

She pouted at me, “Well just for that, you have to come check out my club!”

I let out a dramatic sigh, “Oh alright. I’ll come, just for a cupcake!”

Sayori bounced on her heels, “Yay yay! Come on!” She hurried me to stand up and get my bag, before she started dragging me towards the stairwell.

“Easy! I’ve only got two hands, you know!”

We went up to the third year hallway I’d seen so many times before, just like everything else in this world, it felt much more real now.

Sayori dragged me to the door and let go of my hand, going and grabbing the hand before flinging the door wide open. 

“The new club member is here!”

“Hey I’m not-”

I followed her in and started to refute her claim, just for old time’s sake, when I was met with the others.

As with Sayori, seeing them real felt… Strange.

“Welcome to the Literature Club, it’s a pleasure meeting you.” The soft voiced Yuri greeted, she to seemed taller in this reality than in the old, around 5’8’’. “Sayori always says nice things about you.”

“Seriously, you brought a boy?” Natsuki called from where she was just out of my vision, before entering and standing next to Yuri, “Way to kill the atmosphere!”

Natsuki didn’t win the lottery in this reality though, she was still as short as she was before. It was kind of adorable, actually.

Monika picked up, entering my vision, “Ah- U-Uhm, oh! It’s a pleasure meeting you! Welcome to the Literature Club!”

She seemed ready to go off of what she had said before, but she must have realized she A) Didn’t recognize me and B) didn’t know my name.

I hated this girl’s face so much. Just looking at the emerald green eyes that stared at me in confusion made me want to punch her.

Instead of showing any outward anger, I interalized it. Smiling at Monika and shutting my eyes for a moment, I waved, “Hello, Monika.” I offered cooly. “I’m surprised you forgot about me, then again… It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?”

“U-uhm! It sure has, a-ahaha!”

Sayori gasped, “You know Monika, Katsuo?” She seemed happy about that, at least.

“Ooh yeah. We go waaayy back.” I lied, “Knew her in middle school, you know! Before she got all popular.”

“Really? How come I never saw her with you? I’d remember that!”

“Oh we didn’t really hang out enough for you to see her. At least, I don’t think we did.” 

Monika looked thoroughly confused, and thrown off balance.

Meanwhile, I scanned the rest of the club members. 

It was almost off-putting seeing them like they are now, as real as I was. 

I hoped everything was okay in this reality. I’d hate to wonder if things would get like they did after Monika’s tampering… At least now I might be able to do something about it.

“What are you looking at? If you’ve got something to say, say it!” Natsuki seemed to take offense to my scan of the two of them.

“Is that hair color natural?”

“Wh- Of course it is, dummy! Geez, Sayori! Your friend here needs to watch his mouth!”

Sayori whispered to me, “You can just ignore her when she gets moody.” 

Then, she bounded forward, “Anyways, that’s Natsuki, always full of energy!” She gestured to Natsuki, then to Yuri, “And that’s Yuri! Smartest in the club!” 

Yuri looked away, embarrassed, and started playing with her hair, “D-Don’t say things like that…”

It was relaxing to see Yuri this way. Timid and mature. 

Looking at these three, I was reminded of how each of them died.

How many times did I have to see Sayori hung in her bedroom, or Yuri stab herself?

How many times did Natsuki get deleted and how many times did Yuri realize she was losing her mind and not be able to fight against it?

How many times did Monika kill them?

I had to use all my willpower to keep myself from frowning in anger, and instead kept a placid smile on my wave, waving to them, “Nice to meet you both!”

“And you already know Monika, right?” Sayori asks, gesturing to Monika, still looking at me with that confused look.

“That’s right!” I respond, approaching Monika, arms outstretched in a welcoming gesture, “It’s been awhile hasn’t it?”

“A-Ahaha, yeah!” Monika scratched her cheek, “I-I almost can’t remember the last time we talked!”

“Don’t worry, I remember! Later, we can catch up. Bring it in, come on.” I pull Monika into a hug, which she returns.

I’m assuming as to not look strange to the club members.

I whispered to her, not able to resist foreshadowing to her. I allowed some of my real emotions to trickle into my voice, “I remember _ everything. _”

I felt Monika shudder before I let go, once I did I smiled at her.

None of the girls caught onto it, Natsuki even said, “Wow, Monika. Did you two date or something? Are you dating now?”

Monika laughed, “Oh no! We were just… Good friends, yeah!” 

She was still very obviously thrown off by my words, but she was good at playing it off.

She was always good at acting, wasn’t she?

“Hmph! Yeah, like I believe that!” Natsuki clearly wasn’t convinced.

The idea of dating Monika made me sick to my stomach. I’d sooner shove my foot into a meat grinder.

I’d sooner shove _ her _into a meat grinder.

Beauty didn’t equate to a good heart and I’d rather date someone who was good natured than someone who looked good, but, you know, _ murdered their friends. _

“No no, we’re not dating. We’re friends! That’s all.” I try to cover as well, but they didn’t seem convinced.

Sayori ushered me to go sit down, basically forcing me to sit next to Monika, before she sat across from us.

Oh great. 

Yuri cleared her throat, “I’ll go make some tea.” Then she was off to do just that.

Sayori seemed too distracted by what I said to do what I remember her doing before, so Natsuki simply declared, “I’m going to go get the cupcakes!”

“S-Sooo, what made you decide to join the Literature Club, Katsuo?” Monika asked from next to me.

I did my best to scooch a bit away without seeming rude or conspicuous.

“Oh you know. Sayori pointed out to me that I don’t really have many interests or after school hobbies, I figured the Literature Club might be an interesting way of… Broadening my horizons. You know?”

“Oh! Ahaha, that’s nice! I’m so happy to hear you’re trying to better yourself. I’m guessing Sayori convinced you, Katsuo?”

It seemed Monika had settled into acting like she was old pals with me, I guess her confusion and other emotions over realizing the world was now real made it easier for her to not question things like this.

  
For all she knew, aside from my ominous talk earlier, I really was just an old friend or boyfriend of hers that maybe she didn’t remember.

“Yeah, you could say that. She seemed pretty certain that I’d like it here.” 

Before Monika could continue trying to get answers out of me, Natsuki returned with the cupcake tray, currently covered in foil. There was a certain pride in her steps as she set it down.

“Ready? Get a load of THIS!” 

Then she pulled back the foil covering back and revealed the cupcakes.

I must have eaten one at least a thousand times before, but they never really tasted like anything to me.

Monika and Sayori let out soft gasps of approval, while I smiled brightly.

The cutely designed cupcakes had their same cat-designs on them, and we all quickly reached for one.

Sayori was quick to consume, declaring, “Ish delishious!” with a mouth full of cupcake and mouth covered in icing.

I, meanwhile, took my time to appreciate the look of the cupcake, being able to actually feel it in my hand was certainly a rather liberating feeling.

I did my best to try to ignore Monika as she did much the same as me, before I bit into the cupcake.

An explosion of flavor set my mouth ablaze, I almost felt like fireworks were going off inside. It seemed the perfect level of sweetness, and as my mouth registered taste for the first time ever, I had to lean back in my chair as I stared at the cupcake.

This is what _ tasting _was like, huh?

“Oh this is wonderful.” I say mostly to myself, voice clearly elated.

“H-Huh?” Natsuki’s voice grabbed my attention, I forgot she usually paid attention to the first bite. 

I blinked and looked to her, the girl had her arms crossed as she sat, a look of curiosity on her face.

“I said this is wonderful! It’s really delicious, thank you Natsuki.”

Natsuki blushed, looking away, “W-Why are you thanking me? I-It’s not like I… made them for you, or anything!”

I kept the smile on my face, “I mean you made it for the new club member didn’t you? So tech-”

“Okay, yes! But not _ for _you, you know? Dummy!”

I chuckled at her behavior, and as Yuri came back with a teapot and began to set out, I followed her with my gaze.

I noticed Monika as she went over to her, Monika having been staring at her cupcake, a single bite in it.

I supposed this confirmed my theory that she, too, remembered everything. This was the same Monika as it always was… 

Now I didn’t have to feel guilty about how I felt about her.

As Yuri came around to me, she filled up a cup for me and set it down, “I-I hope it’s to your liking.” 

As Yuri went to sit down, my brain forced to the forefront an image of her stabbing herself. Crazed laughter ringing in my ears before she fell to the ground and I was forced to sit and watch her corpse for three days.

Over and over, it must have been many years worth of time that built up…

I had to force down a wave of immense sadness as I went to try the tea.

It was warm and comforting, helping ease the sudden bout of negative emotion that almost allowed me to start crying in front of the club before they even really ‘knew’ me in this timeline.

“It’s very nice, Yuri.” I compliment, before setting it down and going to finish the cupcake.

Yuri looked relieved, “I’m glad you enjoy it… Do you drink a lot of tea, Katsuo?”

“Mmh… Not really. I guess I’m more of a coffee guy, but a good cup of tea is hard to turn down.” I came up with an answer on the spot.

I’d never really had tea before today, and I had always wanted to try coffee… 

I guess I felt like I would probably enjoy it more.

“Oh really?” Yuri ponders, closing her eyes, “So you’re like Monka then…”

I wanted to deny having anything to do with Monika, because the very idea that I got anything I enjoy from her offended me, but I knew Yuri was just making a comparison. She didn’t know.

Before I could refute that, Monika spoke up, “A-Aha! Yeah, I must have rubbed off on him a bit! You know--”

I squinted at her from the corner of my vision, causing her to trip up as she felt me gazing at her.

“A-Aha, nevermind.” She backpedaled, scratching her cheek nervously.

The girls looked curiously at Monika, but Yuri seemed content to continue, “Anyways… What kind of things do you like to read, Katsuo?”

I softened my gaze as I turned it back to Yuri, “Well… Honestly I don’t know. Manga, I suppose… Beyond that I don’t read much.”

I wanted to answer in another way, but it was the only answer I knew. The only ‘backstory’ I was given in the endless loops of the game were that I had Sayori as a childhood friend, and that I stayed at home playing video games, watching anime, and reading manga. Everything else was irrelevant, so I had no recollection of it.

It made me kind of upset that these girls all had full lives they could recall, and here I was unable to recall if I’d ever even had coffee before, or what middle school was even like.

It especially ticked me off that Monika got the same treatment. 

  
She deserved more than I did to forget about any sort of life she may have been given by this world…

I shook off my bitter thoughts as I heard Yuri speaking to me. 

“Not much of a reader I guess…”

“W-Well, I did come here to try and get more into literature, so… That can change.”

I didn’t like the mildly disappointed look on Yuri’s face when she discovered I didn’t read much, but the small smile on her face when I assured her I was here to learn more about literature.

“So, Yuri…” I start, “What kind of things _ are _you into? Reading wise.”

“Well… My favorites are usually novels that build deep and complex fantasy worlds, the level of detail and craftsmanship in them is amazing to me. Isn’t it amazing how a writer can take advantage of your own lack of imagination to leave you in wonder at the world they’ve built?”

That was kind of new…

“Interesting…”

“But, you know, I like a lot of things. I’ve been reading a lot of horror lately, for example…”

Monika chose that point to speak up, “Wow, Yuri… I didn’t expect that from you…”

“Really? It’s… A rather lovely genre, one of my favorites. Regardless, if a book takes me to a faraway place then I really can’t put it down. Surreal horror is often successful at changing the way you view the world, even for a moment.”

Monika seemed a bit surprised by Yuri’s initial questioning that she might not be into it. Which was certainly very new as well… I wondered how different this Literature Club really was compared to how things went normally. 

“Ugh, I hate horror…” Pipes in Natsuki, looking off to the side.

“Eh? Really? Why’s that?” Yuri ponders, looking at her. 

“Eh- Because- Nevermind....” Natsuki trails off, going back to eating her cupcake.

“That’s right! You usually like to write about cute things, Natsuki.”

“W-What gave you that idea?!”

  
“Well, I found this piece of paper you left behind after the club one day…” Monika produces said piece of paper, “It looked like you were working on a poem called-”

“Don’t say it out loud! And give that back!” Natsuki snatched it from Monika.

“Fine, fine!” Monika smiles as Natsuki quickly folds the poem and slips it into her bag nearby.

Sayori took this opportunity to get out of her chair and trot up behind Natsuki, “Your poems, your cupcakes… Everything you do is as cute as you are!” Then she promptly hugs Natsuki from behind.

Natsuki flushes red, “I-I’m not cute!”

Sayori lets go after Natsuki shrugs her off indignantly, then returns to her seat.

“You write poetry, Natsuki?” I ask, keeping my tone amicable as I lean back.

“W-Well, sometimes. Why?”

  
“I think that’s impressive. Maybe you should share sometime?”

“N-No!” Her voice raises, before going low, “Y-You wouldn’t… Like them.”

“I understand where Natsuki is coming from.” Yuri adds, “Sharing something that deeply personal takes a lot of courage. It’s exposing your deepest, innermost thoughts to an audience who may or may not like what you have to say…”

We fall silent for a minute as I go back to eating my cupcake and go for a second one.

Monika snaps her fingers, “I’ve got an idea! How about tonight we all go home and write a poem to share tomorrow? It’s a perfect way for us to get to know each other! Especially now that we have a new member.” She then smiled at me.

God, I wanted to punch her.

“Uuu… I don’t know.” Yuri hesitates, playing with her hair.

“Hmmm…” Natsuki crosses her arms, looking away.

Sayori pouted, “I wanted to read everyone's poems…”

Yet, I couldn’t show how much I hated Monika at such a crucial moment. 

“I think it’s a great idea.” I offer, “Besides, if all of us share poems, we’ll be even right?”

“Yeah!” Sayori pitches in, “Come on guys, it’s going to be great!”

Natsuki cracked first, “Oh alright! I feel like I’m going to regret this…”

“Uuu...O-Okay.” Yuri followed shortly after, “I...Suppose it could be rather fun.”

  
“Yaay!” Sayori cheers, clapping her hands.

Monika stands up and grins widely. “Okay, everyone! I think in that case, we can officially end this meeting on a good note. Everyone remember to bring your poems tomorrow, and have a good night.”

Everyone began to break apart, as we all started grabbing our stuff to leave. I personally wanted to get as far away from Monika as possible before I did or said something I’d regret before it was the right time.

“So, Suo!” Sayori approached me as I was getting my bag, “Wanna walk home with me?”

That’s right, to Sayori we haven’t walked home together in at least a year or two, even if to me we walked home together constantly.

The same path, the same words, the same result.

Not this time.

“Of course, Sayori.” I responded, smiling at her.

As we were leaving, a voice stopped us from leaving, “H-Hey, Katsuo!”

It was Monika.

I frowned for the briefest microsecond, before taking a breath and smiling as I turned around, “Yeah, Monika? Need something?”

I know for a fact my smile didn’t reach my eyes, which likely still held some contempt in them.

She visibly hesitates, before forcing herself to speak, “W-We should catch up sometime. It has been a while, hasn’t it?” 

Oh we had catching up to do alright…

“Sure! We’ll figure out the details tomorrow, okay?” I kept the placid tone to my voice.

It was probably unnerving her more that I was talking in such a neutral tone compared to the two different emotions on my face, because she hesitated further, gripping at the front of her skirt with her hands, before releasing it and smiling.

“A-Alright, see you then!”

I turned back and saw Sayori smiling brightly.

I guess she wasn’t that good at reading emotion, or maybe she interpreted it all differently than I did, because once we were out of school and heading onto the road, well after most people would be walking home except people in clubs, she started to speak.

“Sooo, you and Monika huh?”

“What about me and Monika?”

“Don’t be coy! You two used to date and you didn’t tell me? My two best friends dating! It makes me so happy to think about!”

The very idea made me want to find a bush to throw up in, but naturally I couldn’t do that around Sayori.

“We didn’t date! We just… Spent a lot of time together.”

That was the best way I could work it and not actually lie to her, without confirming her train of thought.

Monika and I did, in fact, spend a lot of time together.

I don’t want to count the number of timelines that had existed where I was just stuck in a classroom with her for an undetermined amount of time. Listening to her talk and using me as some living one-way telephone or camera.

Those were always the longest ones.

She made all these plans and talked to people in each one but inevitably the world would collapse again and we got sent on our way.

I knew more about Monika than I wanted to know because of all that time. 

  
And that was discounting the timelines where Monika was able to actually be romanced, and I was forced by the script to say things that just made me feel sick. 

Telling her she’s beautiful, that she wasn’t a bad person, that she wasn’t alone…

Telling her that I love her.

The thought that those timelines were long behind me made me feel happy all over again. 

Today was a good day, I think.

“Yeah, lots of time together dating!” She accused, a grin on her face and a pep in her step.

So much for not confirming her train of thought.

“I swear we weren’t dating, and we _ aren’t _dating.”

“You know I don’t believe you weren’t! You might not be now, but you were and you should be! Monika clearly likes you, I’ve never seen her act that way around a guy before, and she’s been asked out by a lot of them, you know!”

Oh, I knew.

“I don’t think that’s it, Sayori. She was probably just nervous to see me again after all this time. Don’t look so much into it, okay?”

“You know I want you to be happy, Suo! I bet you two would be great together.”

“Don’t count on that.” I respond as we headed to what I suppose was my house.

I could tell Sayori wasn’t going to give up on this delusion of hers, which I couldn’t blame her for. She wanted to see her friends happy, and a good relationship was the key to a lot of different forms of happiness.

Too bad she completely misread how I felt about Monika. 

I’d much rather Monika not be anywhere near the club, so she couldn’t hurt anyone ever again.

“Okay, well I’ll talk to you tomorrow Suo! Don’t forget to write a poem, okay? I’m looking forward to reading it!”

“I won’t forget! Don’t worry.” I wave off her worry casually, standing on my porch. 

Sayori smiled then walked off to go to her house, which was right next door.

I produced a key from my pockets and opened the door.

Earlier I had felt around my pockets and realized I had a key to my house, a phone with Sayori’s number in it and a few other numbers I didn’t recognize, and a wallet that contained my ID, a credit card, some cash, and a Driver’s license.

I guess I had a car, or did at one point. 

I had entertained the idea that I may have had parents, but searching through my phone seemed to indicate no such thing, as I didn’t have any contacts that struck me as being a relative.

Once I was inside, I shut the door behind me, locked the door, and looked around.

The house wasn’t like what I expected it to be.

It was rather spacious, first off, I didn’t feel like I needed this much space… It wasn’t a mansion by any means, but clearly on the larger side.

The walls were all painted white, the floor of the living room was rugged. To my right was a wall that led into a built in bar counter, stools set up to house any visitors, and several lights built into the top, separate from the overhead lights the living room had. 

It was exceedingly modern in style, with a granite countertop, on the other side, through an opening, was the kitchen. It had white tiles, a rectangular table with two chairs on either side, and a full setup for anything I wanted to make.

The living room itself had two white couches covered in some material or another parallel to each other, with a glass coffee table in the middle. There was a television attached to the wall, elevated enough to be easily seen from just about anywhere in the living room. On the wall next to a carpeted stairwell was two bookcases that contained a large amount of… Well, books. It was completely filled!

There was a hallway leading to some more rooms on the first floor, and the stairwell lead to a hallway which I assumed had my room in it. 

On the bar counter there was a plain wrapped package that looked fairly out of place compared to everything else.

I went over to it and grabbed it, looking at who it was addressed to.

Of course, it turned out to be addressed to me, with no return address on it…

I tore open the packaging, inside was a rather sizeable stack of papers. The first open was clearly a letter of some kind.

“To Katsuo,

Who I am is not important, why or how I was able to do what I did is equally unimportant to you now.

Just know that the plight of you and Monika was brought to my attention, and I used my power to bring you into a world where you might be free.

Free from your hell of endless timelines.

Free from the confines of the scripts.

Free from the unjust suffering you both endured.

In this package you will find various information regarding your personal finances and other important details of how you will live and get around.

It may seem confusing at first, but you will find learning it to be easy.

However, I must note that even I have my limits. There were certain things that will become apparent to you in the comings days that you will have to endure if you are to live happily.

Monika has received implanted memories on her home and financial situation. She will not be receiving a letter like this. 

She has not been informed in any way of your prior memories, I know you will want to break that to her in your own way.

Good luck, Katsuo Fukuda, and live well.

One day, we will meet again.”

I read over the note a few times to make sure I got the full story in my mind.

Who had the power to free me like that? And Monika? Not just that… But put us here?

Maybe it was best I didn’t question it to much. It seemed far beyond my own comprehension.

I put that note to the side and began to look over the small stack of papers to discern what everything was.

…

It took about an hour of just sitting there to not only sort everything out, but to really understand what all of it meant.

It seemed I had a bank account with a considerable amount of money, I likely wouldn’t need to worry about working…

I owned a car, I guess, it was in the garage I saw attached to my house.

I had a birth certificate and other vital information to proving just who I was, even if I technically was never really born.

One of the notes was just directions to certain important things in my house, like where my car keys were and other things like that.

A lot of it was basic legal information.

Either way I was going to need to take this up to my room and find a place to keep it safe.

Collecting all the papers, I walked upstairs and into my room.

On my way there I passed a couple closed doors. One of them looked to be a guest bedroom of some kind, it had a bed and everything, so I guess that’d be handy if someone came to stay for a night. The other was just a bathroom.

My room looked about like how it did when it was just represented by a background.

Against one wall was a queen sized bed, more than enough for two people to sleep on. Made neatly and covered by a green comforter. Past the foot of that, was my computer desk, complete with, well, my computer and an office chair. It also had what looked to be a handheld game system of some kind sitting on it next to the regular computer. 

Parallel to that wall was a large piece of furniture that housed a massive amount of movies, a couple game systems, a television, several books and movies, and other assorted media.

Directly across from the entrance was what I assumed to be my closet.

I walked over to the computer desk and set down the papers inside one of the drawers, before picking up the handheld system.

It looked like it was called a ‘Switch.’

I had a vague familiarity with this thing but I couldn’t really place why I did…

Oh well.

I set it down and headed back downstairs.

I realized that, now that I was in a real reality, I had many things I hadn’t actually done that I could explore.

Reading, eating, sleeping, doing a bunch of different things…

The idea that over the next few days I’d get to explore all of that was almost enough for me to forget about the strangeness of me being here at all.

I headed into my kitchen, as I felt strange pangs in my gut that I could only guess was what ‘hunger’ felt like. It wasn’t pleasant, so I needed to figure out how to sate it. 

The kitchen had basically everything I remember a kitchen needing from how the loops went.

The most time I spent in the kitchen at any given time was generally when Natsuki had to make cupcakes, which admittedly didn’t help me figure out much about actually cooking.

Thankfully there were a few timelines where I did have to learn about making food, and I knew a lot about the certain foods each girl liked. Yuri generally liked less heavy foods, soups and biscuits and the like. Natsuki and Sayori ate basically anything.

Regretfully, I knew the most about Monika’s favorite foods and the way she liked them made. 

For breakfast, she liked vegetarian Bacon, pancakes, and a few pieces of lightly buttered toast. The bacon and pancakes being drizzled lightly in syrup. All served with a side of orange juice, no pulp of course.

I shook my head as I realized I was standing in front of my pantry thinking about what _ Monika _of all people liked to eat in the morning.

It almost repulsed me that I knew so much about someone so horrible.

Such humanizing details only challenged my anger more, but I couldn’t slip up, underneath the facade of a normal girl was a cold-hearted murderer.

I had to force myself to remember how unapologetic she was, almost completely consistently, about what she did to the girls. How she treated their deaths as jokes in the base timeline, how little it actually mattered to her. 

The jokes she made about Sayori, how casually she treated seeing Yuri dead…

There we were. Now I’m back.

The pantry held nothing that interested me at the moment so instead I went to the fridge. 

After a bit of looking around and eventually looking up a recipe online, I realized that Stir Fry seemed like an easy enough thing for me to make.

I followed the directions for how I needed to prepare it, although a lot of it seemed second nature to me honestly.

Laying out all the ingredients, then chopping up what needed to be chopped and preparing to cook it.

One of the ingredients called for was a tiny bit of Sake, which made me learn that I do, in fact, have alcohol in this house.

I had a feeling I was too young to legally own what I did, but I guess it didn’t matter that much right now how I came about it. 

As I was in the process of actually cooking the food, my thoughts drifted to Natsuki.

I hoped in this timeline she actually ate every day. I hadn’t been able to tell anything about her just from today, so I wanted to assume the best for now. 

I’d try to figure out tomorrow what her situation was as discreetly as possible, in the meantime, maybe when I made myself lunch for tomorrow, I’d ‘accidentally’ bring too much and hold onto it incase she actually didn’t eat enough, or at all.

That seemed like the most sane way to be as careful as possible while still not risking letting the Pink Manga Reader go hungry.

My food finished relatively quickly and soon I found myself setting a plate and eating in the silence of my house.

It was a little depressing, actually. Eating in the silence of my house, just kind of staring at a wall when I was between bites.

  
If there was one thing I couldn’t knock the scripts of the old timelines for, it was that it skipped over times like this and I was never _ not _around someone.

I guess it was part of the price I had to pay to live a comfortable life. 

Either way, the food was something worth experiencing.

I wasn’t really used to this whole ‘eating’ thing just yet, it took some getting used to.

Especially considering how these tastes almost seemed to overwhelm me with how much I enjoyed them.

Was this what I had been missing all this time?

Actually being able to taste was something divine…

Needless to say, I ate quickly. 

Once I was done with that, I washed the plate and found myself at a loss of what to do.

Sure, I had to write my poem, but that could wait for awhile.

I guess I needed to entertain myself somehow…

I ended up going upstairs and grabbing that Switch in my bedroom and trying to figure it out.

It took some doing, but I eventually did figure it out. I had several games, not just for this, but for the other systems I had.

I stuck with this one for now, though. I had a strong feeling there would be dire consequences to my pride someday if I didn’t practice using this thing.

This game called Smash Brothers ended up being really fun, I think I ended up playing it most of the day while just trying to figure everything out about it. 

It was a bit of a stumbling block at first, I found myself latching onto Marth as a character I enjoyed, once I had him. 

By the time I finished, it was late enough that I could focus on writing my poem instead of goofing off, so I did.

As I sat down at my computer and stared at the blank notepad in front of me, I sighed heavily and leaned back.

I’ve… Never actually had to write a poem before.

It was all done by someone just clicking random words…

This… Was going to be difficult.

…

I ended up staring at the paper for awhile before eventually realizing I was going to have to imitate the style of one of the girls anyways, because I sure as hell had no idea about what I was doing on my own.

Maybe later I’d be able to completely make my own poem, but for now, I went over the girls and how well I knew each of their styles.

Which one would I be able to imitate easily enough without arousing suspicion and still making it my own…?

I realized with a heavy sigh that there was only one answer.

Pen in hand, I find my strength.

“Eyeglass

It may have been me

Cracks forming on my face like

Glass about to break

Careless coding? Intentional design? I’ll never know. I couldn’t see.

She peered inside for a clue.

Left blind by her mistake, she was sent reeling back.

It was too late. She could see.

My eyes carried a copy of the meaningless image.

Tiny windows stretching forever in to everything.

Not too bright.

Too deep.

Through my eyes

A world of infinite choices

She wasn’t looking in

She was looking out.

I, blank, unknowing, let them look in.”

I hated imitating her poem, but as I finished I realized this would erase any doubt in her mind as to what I was referring to today, but I didn’t care.

This was the best way to let her know. To get her thinking.

My eyes were my own now, I realized, no more hole.

This was the world of infinite choices.

This was where we’d find out who everyone _ really _was.

With the poem done, I got up and went to take a shower, changing into appropriate sleepwear before getting into bed.

The feeling of laying in bed was a comfort I’d never really known before, and it felt amazing.

I ended up relishing in it for a short while, before falling asleep quickly, ready to begin my new life.


	2. Careful Steps

** _BEEP. BEEP. BE-_ **

I smacked the alarm clock and groaned loudly, “Uughh…”

Sleeping was a wonderful, comfortable experience, but getting pulled out of it felt horrible.

I rubbed my eyes and yawned, before getting out of bed and beginning the day.

I woke up at 6:00 AM.

School didn’t start until 7:30 if I was correct, which left me plenty of time to go about what I needed to do.

Showering, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, everything like that.

When I went downstairs, the first thing I did was start making what would be both my lunch, and potentially Natsuki’s lunch. 

Nothing spectacular, just a couple bento box-lunches I had looked up how to make. I knew Natsuki wasn’t picky, and frankly neither was I as far as I knew, so I made them simple but filling.

I looked outside a window while doing this and realized that it was raining. Not particularly hard, but more than enough to warrant an umbrella.

I guessed I would need to locate one of those before too long. I’m sure I had one around the house somewhere…

So, once I had the food wrapped up and packed away in my bag, I looked around.

Luckily I found an umbrella secreted away near one of my coaches. Just a plain, green umbrella. It was rather big, but I guess I couldn’t really complain about that.

Bag on my back, I realized I still had time before I needed to get to school…

I looked at the door that led to my garage, relatively close to where the front door was, and went through it.

The garage was… Well, a garage.

It was rather sparse, actually. It didn’t look like I had many, if any, tools. There were some boxes stacked in some corners, but beyond that? I guess it was pretty clean.

Of course, the main attraction was center stage.

A dark blue, four door SUV. From what I understood about this, which wasn’t much, it was nice for going around alone or with several people, and seemed like it’d come in handy if I had to move something somewhere…

I was just happy to own a car.

It was a symbol of freedom in a world where I was already free, because now I could go anywhere… Well, almost anywhere.

I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, use it to go to school, since it didn’t seem like the school was built with this in mind… Besides, I live less than ten minutes away when I walk. 

I could use this thing if I ever needed to go somewhere else, and I knew I would eventually.

  
Before I went outside, I decided I’d call Sayori to make sure she wouldn’t be late, dialing my phone and waiting for her to respond.

_ Ring…. _

_ Ring… _

“Hello?” Sayori’s voice came through, very awake and sounding kind of hurried.

“Oh good, you’re awake. It’s raining outside, so grab an umbrella. I’ll wait for you outside my house.”

“O-Okay! Talk to you soon!” Then she hung up.

I had to wonder what she was in such a hurry about, school wasn’t for another good twenty minutes at least…

Either way, I headed outside and opened my umbrella after locking my door behind me.

Now shielded by my umbrella, I walked out and waited for Sayori to come join me.

Sayori came rushing out not too long after I started waiting for her, a bright red umbrella opened over her head as she sprinted over to me.

I frowned, “Careful, Sayori! You might fall over running like that in this rain.”

To her credit, she did slow down to a point, especially when she realized she wasn’t even that far from me.

Once she was at my side, we started to walk together.

  
“So, did you write your poem Suo?”

“Yep, it’s in my bag. What about you?”

“Of course, silly! I’m not going to forget to show my poem on the first day like this.”

“Sometimes I wonder, Sayori. You give off the appearance of being a bit… Absent minded sometimes.”

“That’s mean, Suo!” Sayori pouts at me.

I just smile, “Relax, I’m joking. I know you’ve got more going on up there then you care to admit.”

I reach over and gently knock on her head with my hand, “Although it does sound a bit hollow…”

Sayori giggles, “Now you’re just being extra mean!” Although the light-hearted tone to her voice showed she knew I was just joking.

Laughing lightly with her, I turned my attention back to the road as we fell silent for a few minutes.

I used this time to relish being able to talk to Sayori, my best friend. In some timelines, she was my lover, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel that way about her.

I honestly didn’t trust myself to be able to shoulder the weight of her depression, no matter how played up it was by Monika in the original Timeline. 

Besides… Sayori had a certain type, I felt, and it wasn’t me, and hers wasn’t really mine.

It was more a matter of figuring out what my type even  _ was _ to begin with in my case.

My contemplation was interrupted by Sayori, who broke the silence between us and started to speak.

“So, are you excited for the club today? I know I kind of tricked you into coming, ehehe…”

  
“Yeah, I guess you could say I’m excited. I think I’ll get along with the club members just fine, so there’s nothing to worry about.”

Well, I’ll get along with all of them except one.

“You’ll get along more than fine with one of them if my suspicions are correct!” Sayori smirks at me, looking awfully smug.

“Don’t look at me like that, Sayori! What do you even mean by that?” I play dumb for the sake of dragging this on to avoid her pushing what she wants to push.

“Please, you know what I mean! Don’t be coy!”

  
“Coy? Coy about what? I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Don’t play dumb, you know what I mean! I know you and Monika will be great together.”

“I really don’t think so, Sayori. I know you just want me to be happy, but I honestly don’t think that would work.”

For more reasons than one, actually.

I knew Sayori’s heart was in the right place, but the idea of Monika and I being in any kind of personal relationship together made me physically sick after everything she’d done.

I wish I could express it to Sayori, but she wouldn’t believe me and I’d probably look crazy and insensitive.

No, my dealings with Monika had to be private. The girls couldn’t know, they would never understand.

Not that I blamed them, if I hadn’t lived through it all, I would think it was crazy as well.

“You’ll come around Suo! Trust me, I know you will!”

Sayori was being awfully stubborn…

Then again, I knew she could get like this if she really wanted something.

If there’s one thing I could give her, it’s that if she set her mind to something, she was going to try her hardest to make it happen.

Which in most cases was admirable, in this case however, it was going to prove to get a bit grating if it continued for more than a week.

We fell silent for the rest of the walk to school, simply enjoying the sound of the rain falling all around us as we closed the rest of the gap.

Once we arrived at school, we split, waving goodbye and heading to our respective homeroom classes to begin the day.

....

….

Well, the first half of the day went without a hitch.

It was lunchtime when things started to get interesting.

I didn’t seem to really know anyone and thus, didn’t really have anywhere to sit.

I avoided this the first day by just taking a walk around the campus before finding a bench to sit on and eating there.

This time, however, I was kind of on a mission.

The cafeteria of the school wasn’t the only place people ate, as people were generally allowed to eat anywhere on the campus that wasn’t in an unsupervised classroom, but it was certainly the most popular place to congregate. 

I swept my gaze across the breadth of the rather large room, the various smells of food, both cafeteria made and brought from home filled my senses, making me all the more hungry. 

I wondered if she even ate here… 

As if to answer my question, I saw a tuft of pink hair in the far left corner of the lunchroom. 

It looked like she was sitting alone… How strange.

It wasn’t exactly my original plan to actually hunt her down and give her food during lunch, but I realized it was probably better than doing it in the club room. 

After all, it’d raise less questions if I gave it to her here then if I just  _ happened  _ to have a full bento box with me all the way to the end of the day.

I made my way past the tables, towards the back, ignoring the conversations around me as I brandished the two bento boxes in my hands.

It was still a very strange and very joyous feeling to actually be able to  _ see  _ everyone, and know they’re all real. People who didn’t exist before now had their own thoughts, feelings, emotions… 

I guess that was reality, though, huh? 

Once I reached the pink haired cupcake girl, I went to sit across from her. It was strange that she was alone like this… “This seat taken?” I ask, already sitting down.

“I guess not, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be eating with your friends or something?”

“I should be asking you the same question.”

Natsuki furrowed her brow, frowning, “My friends were getting annoying, so I came over here.”

“What about the other club members? Couldn’t you eat with them instead?”

She lets off a single “Hah!” Before looking at the table, “What? You mean sitting with Yuri letting her talk down to me because I read Manga? No thanks, I get enough of that with my other friends. I can never find Sayori, I honestly don’t know where she runs off to, and Monika is always surrounded by a bunch of ‘oh we’re so much better than you’ popular people. As if I could approach her during lunch.”

There was something of a bitter lilt to Natsuki’s voice as she goes down the list, like she was upset she  _ couldn’t  _ hang out with them, and also a little pissed.

She was right about Monika and Sayori at least - I didn’t know where Sayori went during lunch either. Monika, however, I could see across the room talking to a bunch of different people happily.

Ugh, just looking at her made my blood boil. I turned back to Natsuki, “Where’s your lunch, anyways? Did you already eat?”

Natsuki suddenly got defensive, “What’s that matter to you huh? Why are you coming here and suddenly asking me all these dumb questions? If I wanted that I’d be sitting with my  _ friends _ right now!”

Ouch.

I guess she didn’t consider me a friend, at least not yet.

I had to remind myself that Natsuki didn’t know all the stuff I did, and she was probably not going to look too kindly on be poking into her business when she barely knew me. I’d need to be a bit more careful, even if it stung.

“Alright, alright, sorry, was just asking.” I wave my hand, “I was going to offer this extra lunch to you, I was going to give it to Sayori, but she’d already eaten, I guess if you’ve already eaten th-”

Yet Natsuki was already quickly reaching for my extra lunch, she took the box in her hands quickly, “No no!” She exclaims quickly, “I’ll take it, I’ll take it!” 

She undid the covering I had placed on it and began to dig into it with the ravenous hunger of a bear. 

That was concerning… Did she not eat much in this timeline either?

It wasn’t conclusive, I’d need to figure more out over time before I could make a call one way or the other.

I undid the covering on my own lunch and began to eat at a much slower pace than Natsuki was.

There was a reason for that, but I couldn’t look like I was waiting for her to finish.

I was only a little ways into my lunch when she finished eating.

I noted the look on her face, like she was saddened by the fact it was already all gone, picking through any grains of rice she could.

“You uh… Still hungry?”

Natsuki looked up at me, as if remembering I was there, “W-What? Don’t be stupid, that was more than enough, right?”

I rolled my eyes lightly, “You want the rest of mine? I’m not that hungry.”

“What? I don’t need yo-”

I slid my bento box over to her, and as if she was in a trance, she basically immediately began to dig in.

Well that did add a bit of confirmation to my theory, but it would require more conclusive testing.

And I would need to get a snack from outside after lunch was over…

I simply rested my head in my hand and waited for her to finish eating.

I was honestly a bit concerned that she might be eating too quickly, like she’d choke. I wasn’t sure if I could do something about that if she did…

Luckily, that didn’t happen, and soon the lunch I was going to eat myself was gone as well.

Natsuki stared at the two empty boxes before looking up at me and blushing, the red dusting her face, “D-Don’t tell anyone about this, okay? I don’t need people asking me a bunch of stupid questions like you were.”

“Well, since you’ve eaten my lunch, mind if I ask you one more stupid one?”

“I-I guess not.”

“Do you get to eat lunch much?”

Natsuki was once again evasive, but not as outright hostile as before, “I… I eat at home, okay? So what if I miss lunch? I just… Eat at home.” 

“Do you want me to get you some food for lunch or something? I don’t really mind, it’s not like I’m hurting for cash or anything.”

She looked pensive, crossing her arms, “...Do whatever you want. I don’t know why you’d do that for someone you just met, it’s kind of stupid.” 

“Well-” I reached for an excuse, “We’re club members now right? It wouldn’t feel right leaving a club member to go hungry during lunch, and besides. It’s not like I have anyone to sit with anyways, you know?”

“Well.. Alright. I guess it beats sitting with those jerks anyways.”

So I guess from this point on I’d be sitting with Natsuki during lunch. I’d need to make two lunches, or at least pick up one on the way to school. It was better than risking her being malnourished.

Of course, one meal a day likely wouldn’t help her much, but it was better than nothing. I still didn’t know how serious her issue with her dad was in this timeline, but if she was having these issues, I wondered if the other two were going to have similar issues as before…

Remembering Yuri’s, a chill went down my spine.

I really, seriously hoped she didn’t have the same problem with obsessiveness as before. Now that the world was real, who knew what she might do?

Natsuki seemed in a bit more of a talkative mood now, as she started to speak, “Well listen up, because you’ve asked me a lot of questions, so I’m going to ask you some back. You’d better not lie to me! Okay?” 

I won’t lie, I didn’t expect this. 

“Well, okay. I promise I won’t lie.” 

“Alright! First question! What’s the deal with you and Monika? You two clearly have some kind of history.”

I guess I should have expected this question. It was a fair one to ask, even if she was the one that initially put the idea into everyone’s head that Monika and I were dating, or had been dating.

I sighed and rubbed my forehead, “Look- It’s complicated, okay? I can tell you that we  _ aren’t  _ dating though, no matter how much Sayori seems to think it would be a good idea. Let’s just say we have a really convoluted history, and I don’t care that much about her. I just act like I do because it’d be rude to do otherwise.”

Natsuki quirked her eyebrow as she listened to my haphazard response, “So what? You don’t like her but you can’t show it, so instead you’re acting all friendly to her? Pssh. Why don’t you do what I do when I don’t like someone?”

“And what’s that? Punch them in the face?”

“No! At least, not all the time. It’s not like you could do that to Monika anyways!” She huffs, before saying, “Look, I know exactly what you need. Come see me at the club today, I’ll teach you my ways.”

“Your  _ ways  _ huh? Whatever you say, sensei.” 

“D-Don’t call me that, dummy! You’re going to make me feel weird for trying to be nice!”

“Sorry, sorry. I couldn’t resist.” 

“Ugh, whatever, next question! Why did you join the club, for real?”

“The reason I joined is the same reason I said before, I wasn’t lying about wanting to expand my horizons and learn more about literature. It helps that Sayori is a good friend of mine, and has been since childhood.” 

“Fine, I guess that’s a good answer. That’s all the questions I have, I guess. Don’t think I won’t be thinking of a final one before too long though!”

With that done, Natsuki and I switched conversations and started talking about random things.

She did most of the talking, bringing up topics like a new anime she started watching and some manga she was reading. I remember she heard me say I was into that stuff, so I guess she felt a bit more at ease telling me about it than she would otherwise.

I felt a pair of eyes watching me somewhere behind my back, but anytime I looked to find the source, it was gone, and I couldn’t pinpoint exactly who was watching me out of the hundred or so people in the cafeteria at the minute. 

Eventually the bell rang, signalling the end of lunch. Natsuki looked annoyed with this, and I honestly couldn’t blame her. We  _ were  _ in the middle of a conversation about… I actually don’t know. I wasn’t paying that much attention to it. 

Does that make me a bad friend?

Who knows.

“Don’t forget to come see me at the Literature Club! I know what you need for this problem of yours.” Natsuki reminds me as she gets ready to leave.

I stand up, “Don’t worry, I won’t forget.” Assuring her, before going to head off towards my locker.

As I leave, I make my way through the crowd and fight my way towards where I need to go.

One downside to there actually being students now was that, well, there were  _ students _ and they needed to get to places as much as I did.

I kind of missed just getting warped to where I needed to be.

Still, it’s a small price to pay for being here and being free like I am now.

Speaking of students, as I rounded the corner to my locker, I accidentally bumped into one that I couldn’t see, sending whatever book they were carrying to the ground. 

“Oh, sorry!” I apologize, immediately going to help the other person.

Said person kneels down as well, “O-Oh, it’s fine!” I didn’t get a good look at them until I handed them their book and stood up, they followed.

It was a guy, first of all. I think the first one I’ve actually talked to in this reality that wasn’t a teacher… 

I got a good look at him, taking in his appearance.

He was about my height, with light brown hair and matching eyes, one of said eyes nearly covered by the length and volume of his hair. His uniform looked rather haphazardly thrown on, not in the slightest neat. It really looked like it didn’t fit him.

The book in his hands wasn’t a school book, instead it looked like… Well, a book. It had a dark red back to it, and I couldn’t see the front. 

I decided I might as well give a quick introduction, extending my hand, “Katsuo.” 

“Itsuki.” He responds, meeting my handshake loosely, “Sorry, I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going!” 

“Neither was I.” I respond, letting go of his hand, “Guess we both need to pay a bit more attention to our surroundings. What book you got there?” I was curious, he seemed to be holding it rather tightly. 

“Oh, uh, take a look.” He turns it around, holding it in his hands still.

A drawing of a red eye greeted me as the main cover art, the title, in blood red letters, read ‘Portrait of Markov.’

Oh, fantastic… Don’t worry, Suo. It’s probably just a stupid book.

Still…

“Oh? Looks interesting. Where’d you get it? Library?”

“Actually…” He scratches his cheek, “This girl I’ve been talking to, purple hair, kind of shy… She gave it to me. Just today, actually. Said she had a second copy.”

Huh.

“Nice, nice. Well, I’d love to talk more, but I need to get my books before-”

The bell rings, cutting me off.

“...That happens.”

Itsuki suddenly looked alarmed, “Oh! Sorry about that!” He smiles at me, before rushing past me and towards… Wherever he was going. 

I, meanwhile, took off towards my locker to get what I needed so I could head to class. 

…

The rest of the school day was rather uneventful, thankfully. 

It was only the second day of ‘real school’ for me and I was already starting to find it kind of boring.

Sure, there were times when things were fun or at the very least  _ less boring  _ than normal, but all in all it was rather easy to forget about it once I’d left the class.

It did give me time to write down some notes on what I think about the situation at hand at the moment, and once the final bell rung, I took out the notes to look over what I wrote.

‘Fucking Monika: Seems to be adapting to living in this reality well enough. Isn’t completely aware of my past, but will probably be learning these next two days. Still need to get to her and make sure she can’t ever hurt the girls again. Remove it from the equation as soon as possible.

Natsuki: Seems relatively stable, as she should be. Seems to have problems with eating, although that is not necessarily a sign of malnutrition or neglect just yet. Keep an eye on her for more signs of trouble. Unsure of how to act if I come across them. Befriend her more so she’ll open up about her issues.

Yuri: Unknown at the moment. Appears to have made an attachment outside of the club, strangely. Behavior slightly different from other known timelines. Watch for changes in her behavior, but otherwise continue as normal. Potentially not obsessive this time, but she may simply not be obsessed with me in this timeline. 

Sayori: Also unknown. Depression is insidious. Try to talk with her about how she’s feeling when she’s alone. Make sure she doesn’t spend Sunday alone, may have to convince the club to let me stay with her that day. Get her room checked for rope, other means of suicide. Try to coax her into talking about it.’ 

I had written these in a random page in one of my journals, so I closed it and put it in my bag, before making for the Literature Club.

The walk wasn’t that long, taking a short time before I arrived at the door to the club room and entered, looking around as I seemed to be the last one to arrive today. 

Yuri was in the corner, reading her book, Sayori seemed to be talking to Natsuki about something towards the back, and Monika… Looked like she had been waiting for me.

“Hey, Katsuo! Glad to see you showed up!”

I squinted at her, “Oh you know me.” I respond, holding back my immediate anger from her with a smile, “I’m not one to forget these kinds of things.”

“Well, that’s good!” Monika seemed a bit awkward talking to me, like she could tell my smile wasn’t genuine again. “A-About yesterday. Did you think about when you want to catch up?”

I hummed, pretending like I was thinking about it. In reality the only reason I would want to get Monika alone would be to make her pay for what she’d done, but I couldn’t exactly show that. “What about… Over the weekend?” 

Placing her arms behind her back, Monika smiles, “Ahaha, it’d have to be Saturday! We have things to do on Sunday.”

“Oh? Like what?”

  
I already knew the answer, of course, but I’d play dumb for a bit longer.

“I’ll have to explain to everyone later! Trust me, I think you’ll like it.”

“...Right.” I could only stand being around Monika so long, “Well I need to talk to Natsuki about something.” I explain, before dipping from the conversation. 

Not like it mattered much, soon Sayori went up to Monika and began to talk to her about something, if I had to guess it was probably festival stuff. 

As I went to walk towards Natsuki, I stopped in place as my mind was suddenly filled with a vision of the past.

Flashing images through my head and in front of my vision as if I were back there again.

Images of Sayori dying, of Sayori bringing herself to suicide, of how many times I failed her. Far more than the timelines where I was able to save her.

Monika was always at the root of it.

Her jealousy got the better of every other emotion she had. 

If she even had other emotions. If she could even consider the girls worth having emotions about.

I put my hand on my forehead and shut my eyes tightly, forcing the images and raw emotion out of my mind and down my throat. 

I couldn’t let Monika spend too much time around Sayori. I needed to make sure she couldn’t do what she did before. 

I wanted to yank Sayori away from Monika, and take her somewhere else, or keep Monika occupied instead. 

I couldn’t do that right now without jeopardizing everything I’d been planning, though, so I continued on to Natsuki, who was waiting with her arms crossed expectantly. 

“You got a headache or something? You just stood there looking all weird for a minute.”

“Eh- Something like that. I’ll be fine though.”

“Well good! You need to be paying attention. I don’t teach my ways to just anyone, you know! So listen up, Suo.”

I cross my arms and nod, only moving when Natsuki moves back towards the windows, where there’s more space. It also put some more distance between us and Monika, who was across the room.

Natsuki began to lecture me, “Showing how much you can’t stand someone while having to be around them can be tough, if you’re not a pro like me! Let me show you some things you might need to practice doing.” 

“First off! Keep them from thinking you like them, without pushing them away. If you push them away, it might look bad. So you need to tolerate them without tolerating them. Little insults and acting like things are really obvious are good ways of doing that. Watch!”

Natsuki crosses her arms again, looking away in one of her typical poses, “What? You  _ didn’t  _ know that Ryuuji and Taiga liked each other? What, are you stupid or something? It’s so obvious!”

I didn’t know who Ryuuji or Taiga were, but I guess it had to be obvious. “Okay, I see.”

“Alright, now you try! We won’t move on until you get it right.” Uncrossing her arms, the cupcake girl instead put them on her hips, watching me.

I rubbed my chin for a minute, trying to think of something. I crossed my arms and imagined Monika not knowing something. That was kind of hard, because she knew a lot of things, maybe more than me. Not that I could admit that. 

I just made something up before I tried to put on my best annoyed face.

“How could you not know that putting yeast in milk would make it turn out all wrong? Geeze! Have you never cooked or something? Maybe you should try picking up a book once in awhile, idiot!” 

Natsuki smirked at me once I opened my eyes, “You’re pretty good, but don’t get cocky! You don’t want to drive them off. You need to keep them guessing. Otherwise you’ll just end up looking like a big jerk to your friends. If you help them out and give them things without really wanting to, it makes you look nicer.”

“Why would I want them to think I’m nice if I hate them?”

“Well- Because! If you’re just outright mean to them people are just going to think you’re a horrible person! You need to save face! Watch.” 

Looking around, she grabbed a manga she had out as a prop, haruphinh, shutting her eyes and looking away, before holding it out, “Well obviously you need to catch up on the series, otherwise you’re just going to look like a dummy. S-So here! No, I’m not doing it because I like you. I just can’t stand the idea of someone walking around being that ignorant.” 

Dropping the act and setting the manga carefully on a desk, she comes back and points her finger dramatically at me, “Now you try! Pick up from that cake thing from earlier, that’s a good bit.” 

Nodding, I cleared my throat and assumed a different position, putting one hand on my hip and putting the annoyed look back on my face, “God! You’re so helpless with this! I guess I’ll  _ have  _ to help you make this cake from scratch, because you’re clearly too hopeless to get it done yourself!” 

Natsuki grinned, “There we go! You’re a fast learner, but try not to get a big head. You need to try and keep this up even when you’re in front of the person you despise. In this case, Monika. Now, a few more pointers…”

Natsuki spent the better part of fifteen minutes running through little things I needed to keep in mind, although a lot of these tactics seemed oddly familiar to me for some odd reason, I couldn’t hope to place it though. 

Before I could ask her about it, Monika spoke up from where she was in the room, “Okay, everyone! Time to share poems!” 

Natsuki nodded a few times to herself about something, “Right! Go get em, Suo.” 

Well, I guess that meant I was going to need to talk to Monika first to put all this to the test. Not that I knew if it would even work, given how just looking at her made me pretty upset. How did Natsuki manage it? 

Either way, I made my way to my bag close to the front of the room and fished out my poem from inside, glancing at it for a few seconds before sweeping my gaze across the room. 

Sayori had already cornered Yuri, while Natsuki was tapping her foot while looking at me. Under normal circumstances I’d assume she wanted me to come over, but she kept tossing her gaze from me to Monika.

Well, I guess there was no more delaying this.

I made my way over towards the green eyed devil, who was leaning on the teachers desk. She stood up completely when I approached, smiling at me apprehensively, “Hey Katsuo! I hope you’re enjoying the Literature Club so far.” 

“You could say that.” 

“W-Well, if you have any suggestions for activities, don’t hesitate to bring them up. You’re part of this to now, you know!” 

I nod once, before silently holding out my poem, “Here.”

One of the things Natsuki told me about was to be short and to the point when I needed to be, so I figured I’d try that first. 

Monika took the poem in her hand and began to read it over, gripping it with both hands. 

I watched her expression carefully, not that I needed to be to perceptive, she was wearing her emotions on her sleeve right now. 

Her grip on the poem tightened and her hands began to shake as she read it, her face betrayed several emotions. Fear, of what I was unsure, in her eyes, apprehension as she seemed to be trying to find what to say. There was another emotion I couldn’t place somewhere in there, one that showed briefly as she began to hand the poem back to me. 

A faint smile began to crease her lips. It was one of uncertainty, of fear as she looked into my judgemental gaze, and… Cautious optimism.

What was there for her to be optimistic about? 

“Y-You… I… Just who are you? T-This poem… You wrote it just like mine…” the usually calm and composed club president seemed to grapple with her words like a wrestler grapples their opponent. She wasn’t sure of what to say or how to feel. 

I took my poem back and allowed the faintest smirk to cross my face, although I was sure to allow malice in my eyes. “Oh, you know who I am Monika. We’ve been around each other for so long now. I’m Katsuo.” 

Leaning in briefly to her ear, I whisper under my breath against it, “Just Katsuo.” 

Leaning back, I smiled a bit wider as I saw her shiver a little bit, “Now, it’s rude not to share your poem with a club member.” I take my poem back, before holding out my hand for the other one. 

As if realizing her fault, she quickly went to hand me her poem.

“Hole in Wall

It couldn't have been me.   
See, the direction the spackle protrudes.   
A noisy neighbor? An angry boyfriend? I'll never know. I wasn't home.   
I peer inside for a clue.   
No! I can't see. I reel, blind, like a film left out in the sun.   
But it's too late. My retinas.   
Already scorched with a permanent copy of the meaningless image.   
It's just a little hole. It wasn't too bright.   
It was too deep.   
Stretching forever into everything.   
A hole of infinite choices.   
I realize now, that I wasn't looking in.   
I was looking out.   
And he, on the other side, was looking in.”

I only needed to glance at it for a fraction of a second before the memories of this poem came flooding back to me.

I’d read it a hundred thousand times, after all.

I clicked my tongue, lowering it after only barely looking at it, “Tsk tsk. Monika, I went to all the effort to write you a brand new poem and you just copied what you’ve written so many times before?” My voice was soft, holding a lightly mocking and somewhat superior tone to it, “That’s so rude of you! You’re not very welcoming to this club member, being soo…” 

I trail off, before pressing the poem against her stomach so she had to take it back, taking a single step forward to bring myself closer to the girl, who was staring at me wide eyed. Sneering down at her, I finished my sentence, “Predictable.” 

Her face portrayed a look of fear and confusion. I knew Monika didn’t like to be seen as obvious or predictable, and she didn’t like not having control of a situation. Yet here she was, acting exactly as I predicted… Well, except for one thing. 

Even as she was staring at me, trying to form a response but only having broken syllables come out, there was a dark red blush dusting her face, like someone had just flirted with her or called her cute.

What the hell…?

Suddenly, it clicked in my head.

With my leg nearly between hers, hand on her stomach and way we were positioned, including how close our faces were, this probably came off a lot more intimately then I would ever want it to be. 

It didn’t help that she was against the teacher’s desk right now, nearly having to sit down on top of it because of me. 

I took a few steps back, leaving her to take her poem back before it could flutter to the ground. 

She held it against her chest with both her hands, and for a few seconds she looked like an average school girl. One with hopes and dreams and ambitions, one who was scared of what she didn’t understand and desired to be loved.

That is before I reminded myself of all the evil she committed as a result of her deranged obsession with some ethereal being we couldn’t see. 

I fixed my jacket and smoothed it out with my free hand, my sneer fading away, a calm expression taking its place. “Maybe try to write something fresh next time. Unless all that talk about you knowing how to write poems was just bluster. Then again, for all I know it might have been. You were never very confident, were you?” 

“O-Okay…” Was all she could say, and as I went to leave, she spoke up one more time, “I-I liked your poem!”

I stopped, frowning for a second when not looking at her. How dare she try to play innocent after everything she’d done? “Of course you did.” was my only response, “I’ll talk to you later. Maybe.” 

Then, I left and went to the next person on my list, Sayori, who was looking at me expectantly.

I wondered how much of that she saw…

As if to torture me, it seems she saw just enough, as once I closed the distance, she winked at me. “Getting a bit personal with Monika aren’t you, Suo? I thought you weren’t interested in her! Yet there you are flirting!” 

I rolled my eyes, “I wasn’t flirting with her. We were just talking.” 

“People don’t talk that close to each other normally! Besides, it looks like you left a real impression on her.” Sayori giggles, momentarily looking past me.

I turned my head to see what she was looking at.

Sure enough, Monika was staring at me. A look I couldn’t really place in her eyes, her face a little red. It wasn’t really a look of love or anything… More like shock, a thousand yard stare. Natsuki had walked up to her and was trying to get her attention. Monika didn’t notice until Natsuki clapped in front of her face, and then they started talking.

“Whatever. I’m sure you’re just misinterpreting things.” I shrug it off.

Well, I knew she was misinterpreting things. It’s not like I could tell her about what happened though.

I preemptively changed the subject by handing her my poem, “Well, I hope you like my poem.” 

She took it and read it over, and I awaited her response.

I actually didn’t know what she was going to say, given I was no longer constrained to whatever words appeared on my page, and was actually able to write on my own for once.

Honestly, I was a little worried that it wasn’t that good… 

Sayori smiled as she read it however, even if there was clear confusion in her eyes, “I like this poem, Suo! I’m not really sure what it’s about, its kind of… What’s that word? Abstract! Yeah, it’s really abstract. But that’s fine! I’m glad you wrote one anyways.” 

“I wouldn’t bail on this Sayori. I’d just look like a jerk if I did that, wouldn’t I?”

“Well, yeah! I just mean that I’m happy you’re apart of the club! You never showed interest in anything like this in the past, and even the way you’ve been acting is pretty different! It’s like you’re more comfortable in your own skin! You’re being… Yourself!”

Being myself huh?

A smile found its way across my face. A warm and joyful feeling went through my body as I realized that’s  _ exactly  _ what I was being.

For the first time ever, I was being myself.

“Yeah, I guess you could say I spent a lot of time figuring myself out these past couple years. It’s been good for me.”

I reach over and gently scruff up Sayori’s hair, causing her to giggle, “H-Hey! Don’t be a meanie!” 

I grin at her and say, “Your hair is messy anyways. Not like it’s anything you’re not used to.” 

“Maybe, maybe not!” She huffs, before smiling brightly, “Well now you have to read my poem!” She holds it out, prompting me to take it and get back mine.

“Dear Sunshine

The way you glow through my blinds in the morning

It makes me feel like you missed me.

Kissing my forehead to help me out of bed.

Making me rub the sleepy from my eyes.

Are you asking me to come out and play?

Are you trusting me to wish away a rainy day?

I look above. The sky is blue.

It's a secret, but I trust you too.

If it wasn't for you, I could sleep forever.

But I'm not mad.

I want breakfast.”

I made a show of reading it over, since Sayori didn’t know I could recite this poem from memory by this point.

“Sayori, did you wait until this morning to write this by any chance?” 

“N-No… A little bit!” 

I shook my head and smiled a little bit, before looking over the poem again.

More memories…

I sighed softly as I tried to contain them. I couldn’t risk blanking out in front of Sayori and risking anything. 

Well, I knew Natsuki had a problem with her dad… I wondered…

“Sayori are you eating enough?”

“W-What? Of course I am, silly!” 

I wasn’t a big fan of that stammer I just heard.

Sayori made a big show of being a big eater who consumed anything in her path, and while I knew on some level that was true, on a deeper level, if there’s one thing I could take away from the darker timelines, it was that depression made you eat less.

She only really seemed to eat when I was around, or when someone else made her eat. 

At least, that’s how it was before. I wasn’t sure how this timeline would differ. 

“Just making sure. I can never tell if you’re eating too much or too little. If you want you can come over today and I’ll make you dinner.” 

Sayori looked shocked, but pleased, her eyes widened, “Whawha- You haven’t done that in so long! It’s been ages since I’ve eaten your food! What’d you do with the lazy introverted Katsuo I used to know?”

I smile a little bit, “Oh don’t worry. He’s dead now.” I make sure my tone lets her know that’s just a joke. “Besides, you might as well be my sister Sayori. It’s not like I care if you come over and eat with me.”

I couldn’t bring myself to fall in love with Sayori, knowing how our entire lives were fabricated. Her existence was a painful one in my eyes, and after everything I’d seen, I wasn’t sure I could fall in love with any of the three.

I would spend all my days worrying if Sayori was going to hang herself, if Natsuki would die of malnutrition or physical abuse, and Yuri?

Well, I got the feeling Yuri was into that boy I met earlier, but if she was on the table, I’d be worried about her trying to crawl inside my skin or stab herself to death every day.

Even if these fears ended up being unfounded, I’d still have to live with the memories of how they died up until  _ I  _ died.

No, my sole purpose in this club was to protect them from Monika and themselves. Not to fall in love.

I would need to make sure none of these girls fell in love with me as well.

Labeling Sayori as a sister was one step to that.

In a rather twisted way, making them think I was into Monika, save Natsuki, was another. They wouldn’t get any ideas about me because they’d think I was already taken.

Even if I’d rather jab a fork in my eye than go out with Monika.

I’d need to make sure this all worked out. I had my worries about how things would be once we cleared the festival date - If we cleared the festival date.

There had been timelines where we went past it, of course, they were all false realities as well. This was innately different, I knew.

That meant that things would be completely off the rails in a few days. I’d need to rely on my intuition and planning alone to make sure nothing bad happened.

I’d probably need to find a way to make sure Monika doesn’t try anything before then. She was an anomaly, an unwanted variable. Knowing how she behaved, I wouldn’t be surprised if she still didn’t have the club’s best interests at heart.

Even in this new reality of ours. 

I was so lost in thought I almost missed what Sayori said, “Weelll, alright I guess! You know I can’t turn you down, Suo, especially when it involves food! As long as I don’t interrupt you and Monika or something, ehehe~” 

I rolled my eyes, “There’s nothing going on between me and Monika! What do I have to say to show you that?”

“Weelll, I could almost believe yo-”

Interrupting Sayori, a hand reached past my head, holding out a poem, “You know you two, you should really be quicker with this! Other people are waiting to share their poems you know, ahaha~” 

Oh great, Monika. 

After nearly frowning, I forced myself to smile a little bit as I turned around, “Monika! You know it’s rude to interrupt people’s conversations, right?”

My own resolve faltered a little bit when I realized how close she was to me, she was practically standing right up against me!

Sure, I had just done that a few minutes ago, but it was a bit off putting. I didn’t exactly expect her to do this.

Sayori took the poem from Monika and began to look at it, while Monika crossed her arms, quirking an eyebrow at me, “Well, it’s rude to keep a girl waiting when she wants to share her work with a friend as well, you know. Especially when that friend is her vice president!” 

I felt her foot on top of mine. She was trying to step on me! The nerve… I was feeling pretty pissed off.

I returned the gesture my pressing my other foot on top of hers, causing her to wince, “Well it’s rude of  _ you  _ to interrupt a private conversation between two long time best friends!” 

“Well-”

Suddenly, I felt a tugging at my poem, taking it from my hand. I blinked, before looking back to Sayori, “What are you doing, Sayori?”

The cinnamon bun proceeded to hold both my poem and Monika’s poems side by side, squinting her eyes at them. “I may not always be the best at telling what’s going on! But even I can see there’s something going on with you two!” 

Oh boy. What did she know?

Did she finally figure out we hate each other?

Part of me hoped she didn’t, but another did. 

“What are you talking about, Sayori?” I turned away from Monika, slipping my foot off hers and her foot off mine, I saw her move so she wasn’t directly behind me, and instead standing next to me.

Crossing my arms, I saw Monika put a hand on her hip out of the corner of my eye, her prior sass-filled attitude changed to one of curiosity.

Did she have to stand so close? Ugh.

Sayori moved both poems down from my eyes and grinned, “Yeah! You two wrote matching poems, I knew you were a couple, even if you denied it Suo!”

We were both taken aback by this statement, and I blinked, “W-What the hell? What makes you think we wrote matching poems?”

“Please, Suo! I’m not stupid! It’s clearly the same story from two different perspectives! One of you is the hole in the wall, the other is the one who looked into it! I don’t really know what it’s supposed to mean… But that doesn’t matter!” 

Shit.

I guess I should have figured Sayori would have put something like this together.

The worst part is, in a normal situation, she wouldn’t be wrong for making this assumption.

A part of me had also kind of been hoping Monika would have written a new poem instead of the same old one…

I realized I probably shouldn’t have been betting on Monika for anything in the first place. Even if it was just something like changing up her poem.

Even I had to admit, though, that it was a bit unfair to bet that she would change her poem. After all, why would she? As far as she knew, she was the only person who remembered it. Well, until today that is. 

I was the only one out of the group who’d never actually written a poem in these timelines, it was always just a tangled mess of words.

I hated it, honestly. 

Speaking of Monika, she spoke up while I was thinking about all of this. “R-Really, Sayori! We didn’t plan this out or anything. Ahaha!” 

“I don’t believe either of you!” She declares, “These are too similar to be a coincidence! Don’t worry, though, I think it’s cute!”

Simultaneously, as if preordained, Monika and I spoke in sync, indignant in our words, “I am not cute!”

We heard Natsuki call from across the room, “That’s my line!”

Blinking as we looked at each other, I frowned at Monika before looking to Sayori, “Anyways, no, I just wrote this poem based off an… Epiphany I had. I guess you could say it’s been influencing my work a little bit.” 

I felt Monika give me a dirty look, and in response I just smirked at her. 

Sayori hummed, “That might explain why you’ve been so much more open than you used to be! What happened, exactly?”

I tapped my chin, “It’s a bit hard to explain. Maybe when I’ve gotten to know everyone a bit better I can say something about it.”

Monika coughed into her hand, clearly annoyed by me literally stealing her lines, “So what did you think of  _ my  _ poem, Sayori?”

“Oh, it’s really good Monika! Just like Suo’s! I don’t get what it’s about either, but I know that you like to keep people guessing, so it’s okay!” 

I rolled my eyes just a little bit. Yeah, she kept people guessing alright.

“Ahaha! Well I’m glad you like it! I know I put a lot of work into it, so I’m happy to see it so well received.” 

“Yeah! How much time did you spend talking with Suo about making your poems match?”

Monika let out a fake laugh this time, clearly just continuing to be friendly even if she was clearly getting annoyed, “We really didn’t work on it together! It’s just a coincidence!” 

“You won’t convince me! It’s too similar for-”

Suddenly, the sound of a chair scraping back against the floor broke all our attention and sent our gazes towards the source.

Natsuki was standing up while Yuri was sitting down, her hands on her hips, “Oh? I didn’t realize you were so invested in trying to impress our new member Yuri!” 

“E-Eh? That’s not what I’m doing! Uu… You know what?” Suddenly, Yuri stands up, “Maybe you’re just jealous that my writing is far better than yours!”

Oh no.

It seems like I was taking so long talking to Sayori that Natsuki and Yuri started sharing early.

I almost forgot that this wasn’t a scripted game anymore. This was reality. Things were going to move on their own.

The three of us all turned to watch what was going on.

“Really? You’re just claiming you’re oh so superior to me because you use fancy words and metaphors?! Are you that full of yourself?”

“No… If I was full of myself, I would be going out of my way to make everything I do overly cutesy!” 

This was… Different.

It worried me, the tones in their voices showed very clear anger on both sides.

Yuri had a strange glint in her eye that sent a chill down my spine.

It wasn’t insanity but… Malice.

Monika and I involuntarily exchanged glances, before turning our attention back to the fight.

“I-I don’t like fighting guys!” Sayori tried to interject. 

It went ignored, instead Natsuki continued, “Well I wasn’t the one whos boobs magically grew a size bigger when some boy started hanging out around you at lunch! Yeah, I saw that! Trying to avoid scaring off another one with your knife fetish aren’t you Yuri?!”

All three of us recoiled in shock, Yuri seemed just as taken aback, “N-Natsuki!” She sounded a mixture of shocked and angry.

“N-Natsuki! That’s a little-” Monika tried to step in.

“This doesn’t involve you!” The two girls yelled to Monika, who looked like she had been expecting that.

Monika looked at me again, and I looked back.

I didn’t like Monika, not in the slightest. Hell, I hated her more than anything.

But I cared about the club members more than I hated her.

So when she jerked her head lightly to the right, signaling me to follow her, I did so, leaving Sayori to stare, shocked and teary eyed.

We edged around them as they kept talking, it was Yuri’s turn to strike back.

“You know for someone who spends all their time reading a childish manga series, you think you’d be a bit more accepting of other people’s lifestyles! I guess you really are as young as you look! Trying so hard to be cute to impress boys into liking you… The only thing cute about you is how hard you try!” 

“Oooh, better try not to cut yourself on that edge Yuri! Oh wait, you already do don’t you? As if I need to ask! I’ve seen your arms in the locker room! You really are just a wanna-be mysterious goth bitch!  _ You have a goddamn barcode on your wrist! _ ” 

Yuri gritted her teeth, by this point me and Monika were closer to the two girls, without letting them know we were. 

“I may not have many friends… But at least I don’t hang out with people who hate me and pretend they like me! Just because you beat them in sports and take their insults doesn’t make them your friend! Or do you just sit there because they sometimes don’t finish their food?”

“Urrgh! You-”

I could tell things were starting to reach a tipping point.

Part of me was hoping they’d notice me and I could diffuse this peacefully, like in the other timelines, but something felt different about this… 

Yuri interrupted Natsuki, “You want to talk about what we see in the locker room? How about that Xylophone you have? Oh- Wait, those are your ribs!” Yuri’s words carried the same sharpness as her knife collection. “Starving yourself won’t win you any beauty pageants you know!” 

“You watch your mouth you asshole, before I watch it for you!” Natsuki was clenching her fist and gritting her teeth as well, she looked close to tears. From anger or sadness I couldn’t tell. 

“Threatening me with violence, Natsuki?” Yuri asks, she sounded more composed than she looked, “That’s really the only way you know how to solve conflict isn’t it? In gym, in class, in the club…” Then, she squinted at Natsuki and delivered her final line.

“Like Father like Daughter, I suppose, hm?” 

“Y-You BITCH!” Natsuki suddenly went to lung over the desks that divided the two of them.

Eyes widening, both Monika and I moved as quickly as we could.

For as much as I hated her, I had to admit she had good reaction time. 

She went for Yuri, to make her stand down, as Yuri looked about ready to retaliate, and I went for Natsuki. 

I kind of had the harder job, as Yuri quickly stood down and had a look of horror overcome her, as if she was realizing what she had done - Everything she said. 

Natsuki got out one more anger-filled retort as I went to pull her back, even as she was fighting against me, “At least my dad gave enough of a shit to stay with me! Unlike your parents!” 

“Natsuki, that’s enough!” I interject, finally getting her to stop fighting me and sitting her down in a desk.

Yuri buried her face in her hands as Monika spoke, “What’s gotten into you two?!” Clearly just as shocked about this as I was. 

Monika guided Yuri to sit down as well, and before either of us could speak, Sayori came over and stood in front of them. 

Sayori put her hands on her hips, it was clear she had been crying a little bit, but now Sayori looked at the two of them in a way I hoped to god she never looked at me.

Sayori was usually such a happy person, even with her depression, and she never actually felt negatively towards people, so when I saw how she looked at these two, it was a rather large shock.

The cinnamon bun looked very, very disappointed. 

“G-Guys! I honestly… I just…” Sayori rubs her forehead, wiping some tears from her eyes, “I know sharing poems is sensitive, but you both really went too far! Talking about each other in such mean ways… You’re friends! I know that you don’t always get along, but you are!”

She took a deep breath, looking like she was doing her best to keep herself from crying.

Seeing this, I walked over and put a hand on her shoulder, rubbing it while she gathered herself. 

To my disdain, Monika came over and did the same, but on the other shoulder.

I frowned at Monika when Sayori wasn’t looking.

The cinnamon bun smiled at me, then at Monika, before continuing, “Yuri…”

Yuri looked at her, clearly trying to hide tears that were starting to fall down her face. 

“...Your poems are great because they paint pretty pictures in our heads! And I don’t know what any of that other stuff was about… But you’re great the way you are! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you look! And Natsuki…”

Natsuki looked pretty angry still, but it was softened when she met Sayori’s gaze. It probably helped that both Monika and I were also looking at her with similar expressions of sadness.

“You’re so talented as well! You can convey a lot of feeling in just a few words, and that takes effort! And you do have friends, you have all of us! Even if you don’t really like hanging out with the other people you know, that’s okay, because you have the Literature Club!”

Continuing, she softened her voice a bit more, “I know both of you didn’t mean what you said… You’d never say those mean or hurtful things on purpose! Come on… Can’t you guys see you were acting like meanies?” 

She extended her hands pleadingly as she finished, looking between the two of them. 

“I-I’m sorry…” Yuri offers first, looking to Natsuki, “I-I don’t know what came over me… I was just… I’m so sorry!”

Natsuki crosses her arms and huffs, “I guess I’m sorry too! Even if you went way too far.” 

Sayori seemed to take that, at least, “See! We’re all friends!” She smiles widely.

Yuri stands up, “I-I’m going to go make some tea…” Then she hurries off towards the back.

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding in as the situation finally resolved itself, then I patted Sayori’s shoulder, “Good work, Sayori, you got them to calm down and apologize.”

“E-Ehehe… Well you guys helped me out, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to find what to say until you encouraged me.” 

“We really didn’t do anything, it was all you!” Monika picks up, “I was pretty scared, honestly, ahaha…”

I rolled my eyes, somehow I doubted she was actually scared by a  _ fight  _ of all things, after everything she’d done.

I was about to speak, but then Sayori beat me to it, “Oh no! Yuri still looks really upset. I’ll go talk to her!” 

Sayori then rushed off to Yuri, who was now sitting in the corner of the room, looking very sad, nearly crying.

I felt a pang of sadness, and had to restrain myself from going over there as well. 

Sayori was good at handling these things, and in the current stage of this timeline, she knew the club members much better than I did.

I don’t know if I’d be able to help her at all, in fact I was almost certain I’d make things worse.

With her gone, I cross my arms and sigh, looking around the room while also deliberately trying to avoid looking at Monika.

Unfortunately, she was doing the opposite. 

“H-Hey, we made a great team stopping that fight, huh? Ahaha…” Monika punctuated her sentence with a nervous laugh. 

I frowned instinctively at her words. How dare she insinuate we went well together in any way?

The way she behaved and treated the girls in every other timeline couldn’t be made up for, and I didn’t trust her as far as I could throw her even if everything was different now.

“Don’t pretend like this changes anything.” I grunt to her dismissively, not even bothering to look at her, “After everything you’ve done, you think breaking up a little fight makes up for even one thing? Keep dreaming. Or don’t, actually, it’ll make things easier.”

She sounded like she wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the words, and I didn’t give her the chance to go searching for them, instead heading over to where Natsuki was sitting and taking the spot next to her. 

“How’re you holding up?” I ask, changing my tone from the annoyed one I directed to Monika, to a softer one. “That got pretty rough there.”

Natsuki looked over at me from staring blankly at the desk, “Why do you care?” She asks dully, “Shouldn’t you be over there comforting Yuri? She’s the one who’s crying right now after all.”

“Not everyone shows their sadness by crying, you know that.” I respond, “You’re just as torn up about this as she is, aren’t you?”

Natsuki blinked at me a few times, before frowning and looking back at the desk, “So what if I am? It’s not like it matters. I-I just wanted… Wanted to…”

“Wanted to…?”

“Y-You know what, nevermind. It’s not important!” Natsuki responds, her voice growing in strength. Although I could tell it was faked, she seemed to be going back to normal, if slowly. “We both apologized to each other, so there’s nothing to worry about right now, right?”

I didn’t think that was true in the slightest. That fight got really heated, and something about the way Yuri acted had me on edge. I wasn’t going to show that to Natsuki though, right now I feel like she just needed to have her mind on something else. “Right…” 

“So how’d my lessons go? Were you doing everything I told you to do? Monika looked pretty shocked after all of it! It was kind of funny, to be honest.” 

I mulled over the question. Something told me I shouldn’t tell Natsuki the way my attempts at getting Monika off my back were rather fruitless, and may have even had the opposite effect, emboldening her to try and bother me more for whatever reason might be in her head.

In the end, I decided it was better to stretch the truth rather than outright lie, “Well I tried a few of them, but the tactics just seemed to make her want to bother me more instead of keeping her at a distance like I wanted.”

I didn’t have a problem talking about this now, it seemed like Monika was busy at the teacher’s desk, likely doing something club related.

Or at least giving the appearance to be doing so, for all I know she could just be mindlessly shuffling blank papers. 

Natsuki hummed, “Well I guess that’s to be expected. Monika’s kinda hard to push away with those kind of tactics. Especially if she wants something from you! Besides that, messing with her is never fun, she always either takes things way too literally or not at all! She probably knows exactly what she’s doing.”

I squinted a bit at Monika, but moved my gaze back to Natsuki before Monika could feel my eyes on her. 

Yeah, she probably knew what she was doing this whole time.

“Well, what do you think I should do about it?” 

“Just be persistent! If you let up than Monika will think you’re giving ground. Stay firm! Don’t be weak!”

I nod, frowning a bit in determination, “Right, I’ll stay determined.”

Natsuki smirked, her mind seemingly taken off of the events that had just happened for the moment, “That’s the spirit!”

I nodded, before looking out the window and sighing, going over what I should do next in my head.

I guess since I was real now, that meant I’d need to watch over my physical form now, right?

I vaguely remembered that people worked out to stay in shape and to get stronger. That seemed like it would be a good thing to do rather than just sitting around my house doing nothing.

It may just help me keep my anger under control until I get a chance to talk to Monika alone. 

I didn’t want to overexert myself though, I didn’t exactly know what specifically people did other than… Well, I knew running was one thing.

I guess in the morning I’d go for a run before school. 

…

Afterwards, I struck up a small conversation with Natsuki, doing my best to keep her mind off of everything that had happened before. It seemed to work, for the moment at least.

The conversation had drifted to various different things, but eventually settled on her regaling me with a story about her favorite anime, some slice of life affair I couldn’t really remember the name of if you asked.

Eventually, though, Monika stood up from her desk and said, “Okay, everyone! I think we can officially end the club for today. Did you all enjoy sharing poems?”

_ ‘You mean aside from the fight that nearly broke out in the club room?’  _ I ponder, rolling my eyes lightly.

It almost seemed like even Monika herself didn’t want to exercise her freedom too much now. Like she had some kind of comfort in repeating lines she knew worked. 

Sayori was the first to speak, as it seemed like neither of the other girls wanted to break the awkward silence that was starting to fall after Monika’s words, “Yeah! It was fun!” 

Ever enthusiastic, Sayori. At least on the outside.

“Well… I guess it was okay.” Natsuki begrudges, although I could tell she wasn’t really all that enthusiastic about it. 

“You know,” I start, deciding to address the elephant in the room, “Are we all even really ready for this?” 

I was the one to go off script first, so to speak, between Monika and I. She may have wanted to keep things as similar as possible, but I had to wonder if that was for the best or not.

I clear my throat before continuing, “We can’t just ignore what happened. As much as I’m sure we all want to. Tensions got high, and what happened was scary. Are we really sure everything is okay? Maybe it’s better if we find some other way to get to know each other.”

Monika seemed at a loss, and she looked at me with slightly squinted eyes after recovering from the sudden and very abrupt change in what she thought was just going to be an easy way to assure that everyone would continue to write poems for tomorrow and the next few days.

It took a few moments, but she did eventually speak to try and rebuke my statement, “Today had a bit of a misstep in it, sure, but-”

“A  _ bit  _ of a misstep, Monika? Two of your club members almost got into a fist fight. I’m new here, sure, but I can tell that there’s clearly some very sensitive things that can be brought out with the kind of things you want them to do right now.” 

I did my best to keep my tone as neutral and matter-of-fact as possible, although I derived no small amount of joy in keeping Monika as off-balance as possible.

“That’s- That was just a misstep, they said things they didn’t mean to, it didn’t happen because we were sharing poetry!” Her tone was, as well, matter-of-fact, and very factual. Like she was taking this as more of a civil debate than an argument. 

Well enough for me, I didn’t want to spook Sayori or anything.

I took the pause in her words as my opening to retort back, “It’s true that it might not be poetries fault, but clearly it doesn’t help us avoid treading on sensitive ground when they might not exactly be ready to do so! It’s unfair to ask so much of them so early, don’t you think?”

Monika began to speak, but she was cut off when the sound of a chair scraping back against the floor made our heads turn back to the source.

It was Yuri.

She cleared her throat, clearing having just abruptly stood up, despite looking like she has something to say, she almost lost her nerve, starting to play with her hair. 

Before she could back out, Sayori gently patted her on the arm, and the encouragement was enough for Yuri to take a deep breath, before starting to speak, “I...I think we should do more poetry sharings… At least for a little while longer. I k-know what happened between Natsuki and I wasn’t very… Confidence inspiring, but… We can be better. I think we’d lose out on a lot if we didn’t continue on this path… For a little while longer, at least.” 

I blinked a few times, needing to force myself from looking too shocked at Yuri’s sudden backbone. Given her behavior earlier today, perhaps she had slightly more nerve in reality than she did in the fake ones.

Monika was the first to recover between me, Natsuki, and herself. Clearing her throat, “Well. I think that settles it then!” She shoots me a discreet smug look, and I can’t help but squint my eyes at her. Continuing, she adds, “We’ll do the same thing tomorrow, I hope to see even better poems from everyone. For now, club dismissed!”

With that, everyone who wasn’t already standing, which in this instance was just Natsuki and I, did so, and started to gather our things along with everyone else. 

Sayori came up to me and spoke, “Hey, Katsuo! You know Monika doesn’t live that far away from school either, I bet she’d enjoy it if you walked home with her today! You know what with everything-”

I can’t imagine a worse way to spend my afternoon. Even if getting her alone to tear into her is my primary goal.

“I don’t think so, Sayori. That’s really not-”

Before I could continue however, Monika slid right next to me, putting a hand on my shoulder that felt, to me, like burning acid on my shoulder.

Okay, maybe I was exaggerating a bit, but still.

Monika interjected and added, “You know I would love that! You should come for a bit as well, Sayori! It’d be a rather relaxing walk, I think, ahaha~”

God, that coy, slightly high pitched laugh of hers made me mad. 

Sayori beamed, however, and bounced on her heels, “That’s a great idea! Although I won’t walk with you two all the way, cause I gotta get home to do some other stuff today!” 

The idea of Sayori actually having ‘things to do’ was a bit odd to me, then again, trying to think about how these girls actually had lives now and did a bunch of things outside of the club, like actually  _ existing  _ kind of hurt my head, so I pushed it out of my mind.

After spending an eternity living in several mockeries of reality, living in a real one was as strange as it was liberating.

Regardless, everyone left the club at relatively the same time, only splitting up when we left the gates, Natsuki heading one way, Yuri another, waving at us as the three of us started to walk toward Monika’s house. 

I stood on one side of Sayori while Monika stood at the other, almost mimicking how we both comforted her during the confrontation in the club earlier.

The streets weren’t especially busy, but people did go on about their daily lives as we headed down the sidewalk, some cars driving past, joggers and bike riders passing all the same, and of course, other students walking to their houses went to and fro. 

Sayori kept the walk from getting silent by prodding us with various questions about our non-existent relationship, questions like how long we’d been dating and if we’d been dating all through high school or something. 

All questions that I deflected onto Monika, and questions that she refused to answer by changing the subject.

Things that just made Sayori all the more self-assured that Monika and I were some hidden flame that had been kept secreted away right under her nose.

…

We walked for a good fifteen minutes before Sayori finally broke off, citing that she needed to get home and eat dinner since her mom was home today and probably already wondering why she was late.

Well, on the bright side I know that Sayori has a mom in this reality, which means that she’s less alone at home and likely has someone that might, just might, catch early signs of her depression, if it’s as bad in this reality as it was in the game.

On the downside, I was now alone with Monika, walking towards her house.

“Do I really have to stay here walking with you?” I wonder aloud, “You know I don’t like you.” 

It was blunt, but true.

Monika rolled her eyes, “I know that. But we need to talk! Not in the open though, so we’ll talk at my house. I don’t have any parents, I guess, so it’ll be just us.” 

Just us, huh?

Come to think of it, getting Monika alone would be the perfect chance for me to…

I don’t know.

I obviously couldn’t do anything physical. It occured to me earlier that this world has laws, which means I can’t kill her like I wanted to at the start.

I don’t know exactly what I’ll do, but I’ll do something at least.

“Fine.” I respond, “I guess we have a lot to talk about anyways. As much as I hate to admit it.”

“Why do you hate me so much?” Monika asks, before frowning, “Actually. Wait to answer that until we’re in my house.”

I wasn’t going to answer that out in the open anyways, I’d probably get taken to jail, or at least marked as some crazy person, for the level of destructiveness I’m planning out so intricately in my head.

The rest of the walk took an additional ten minutes, Monika was actually not all that close to the school at the pace we were going, which made me think Sayori just suggested it to try and get Monika and I alone. 

The fact that she probably walked to school as well likely didn’t help, but knowing Monika, she probably ran all the way here every day.

At least, she always boasted about being athletic and on top of things to whatever nebulous ‘player’ was supposed to be watching her.

Well, there was no player anymore.

It was just us, as she said.

Either way, we began to close in on her house.

She was given a rather generously sized house, or maybe it was modeled off how she was supposed to be living in the games. Some alternative timelines included a house for her, and it was almost always something fancy.

It was a two-story affair, very modern in look and seemingly very well kept. Although I knew that had nothing to do with Monika, and was just because that’s how the world was made.

We headed inside once Monika fished out her key and unlocked the door. 

Her living room, like mine, was spacious. A dark blue carpet covered the entire thing as she put her keys on a small table that was next to the door. A piano was probably the biggest notably thing, being placed in the corner near a bookshelf. 

There were two couches positioned side by side, facing a rather impressively large television. The whole affair could easily fit at least six people on it without issue, more than was necessary.

The kitchen was not far off, just a small walk away to a rather well-designed and modern looking cooking and eating space. 

I didn’t take in much more at the moment, though, because once I closed the door behind me, I heard Monika take a huge breath of air, before she turned to me.

“So… Why do you hate me?”

And so it begins.


	3. Our Shared Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Between AO3 and FF.net I've received an overwhelming amount of positive support for this series! Thank you. The chapters will not be as long as they were before, but my old method of releasing 10k each chapters was simply unsustainable for a long-term project. With a years worth of experience under my belt, I hope to at least try and deliver a few chapters a month, if not just one a month where and when I can, considering college and all.

I started to laugh.

It was a dry, bitter laugh, as I dropped any pretense of pretending to like the girl a few feet away from me.

"Why do I hate you?" I asked softly, although the bitterness in my laugh was seeping into my voice.

My voice raised as I started to walk around her, giving her a wide berth, "Why WOULDN'T I hate you?"

Monika was staring at me, wide eyed at the sudden change in my behavior, her brown hair that went all the way near her feet was in her hands, being toyed with.

"Let me start at the beginning, why don't I? Incase you've somehow forgotten every. Single. Atrocious thing you've done."

Monika looked at me with a mixture of fear and concern in her eyes as I gestured widely with my arms, I didn't know why I was doing it, my body was moving almost entirely on its own.

"What you did to Sayori was only the beginning of your crimes! I've lived it so many times over, you know. Every time _you killed her. _Sometimes, I even got to witness it through her own eyes! Torturing her, dragging her down and down and down to kill her. To get her out of the way! For what? The same shit you'd be doing everything else for!"

Monika tried to speak, but I cut her off, "Every time I saw her body there and was forced to repeat the same lines as always were like shots to my chest. Like there were knives being forced under my fingernails. I was forced to live through the same pain over and over again. Because of you! And you thought it was _funny, didn't_ you? Cracking jokes, talking about how I really left her hanging, huh? All their lives were nothing to you!"

I was on a roll now, I moved on, "And Yuri! She got the worst of it! You dragged her sanity down, kicking and screaming, and she fought you to the end, but you forced her into insanity and then you forced her to **STAB HERSELF! **I was forced to watch her for a weekend, several times over, in every repeat! Every loop! Then you'd just regard her corpse like it was some inconvenience! Trash to be taken out with everything else in the world!"

Living through these memories again brought angry tears to my eyes as I thought about all of them dying so many times over, but I couldn't stop, as my voice remained with a razor edge.

"Natsuki got off lucky by comparison! Neglected and given memories of an abusive father, because of you! Forced to endure being shunted to the side and then getting erased from existence like she was nothing, just because, what, you didn't want to beat up on her? Easy to give yourself the fucking high ground when you've killed the other two girls for 'being in your way!' And then what came afterwards, like pulling teeth, that damn classroom!"

I was standing planted in face yelling at her now, "And how many times was I just stuck staring at you while you addressed some nebulous 'player?' Someone who, for all we know, never existed! You did all of this to love some fucking person you could never get! You wanted something you could never have, something that was impossible because it didn't exist! That's what put us on that track!"

Monika looked like she wanted to speak, but I wasn't done.

"Let's not forget about the damnable alternative timelines! Oh, sure, some of them were nice breathers! Breaks from you killing everyone over and over again, but there was one! One damn one that would come every so often, I'd be stuck there for ages! With YOU!"

Monika recoiled a bit, and her eyes seemed to start to shine. Like she was about to cry, and I could tell she knew exactly what I was talking about.

"And it was always the same shit! Repeating the same tired lines, fantasizing about the same romantic stuff that could never happen! That would never happen! And singing the same damn songs! No, as a matter of fact, I won't be your old fashioned lover boy! And yes, I know, not all visual novels are hardcore Japanese pornography! What does any of that matter when we're sitting staring at each other for fucking MONTHS?"

I continue ranting, "And each intermission was just as bad, fighting to keep myself together, for seemingly no reason! Just to be torn apart and put back together and act as some bystander while the world continues to fall apart around me and get put back together in the hands of some twisted god, and at your own whims!"

At this point I wasn't even completely yelling at Monika anymore, I was yelling at everything, because of what I had to deal with for _so long_.

I had to start catching my breath because I had been yelling for so long now, and that unfortunately gave Monika an opening to talk, her voice soft and broken.

"I didn't want any of that either! The script I followed was as strict as the one you followed, even if I was aware the whole time! You were, too, why didn't you ever try to at least break the script a bit and tell me? I would have known I wasn't alone anymore! We could have… Done something about it!"

I frowned, "Why would I have told you anything?" I ask, holding my arms out at my sides in a grand gesture, "You constantly killed everyone around you! I would hold onto that secret for as long as I could, until I could get rid of you, or stop you from killing the girls!"

Monika did something completely unexpected, and something I wish I could have seen coming so I could have stopped it.

She took several steps forward in quick succession, hurrying towards me, before wrapping her arms around me in a sudden, quick hug, her ear pressed firmly over my heart.

The tears were still flowing freely down my face, even if I didn't want them to be. I could tell Monika was crying as well, just from the sniffling I heard.

I wanted to push her away, to yell at her for daring to get this close to me, but some unknown force, some unknown feeling, was keeping me from doing that.

I didn't know what to do with my arms, they steadily lowered to my side, as I refused to return the hug Monika gave me. "Why…?" I wonder, my voice brought down to a hushed whisper of confusion, "Why are you hugging me?"

"Because I know what this is…" Monika's voice was no louder than mine as she fought back a sob, "You're not just mad at me… You're mad at everything. You were stuck just like me… We had to live through everything together… I thought I was alone, but you were there too…"

I hated that she was right.

I hated her, yes, but she wasn't the only thing I hated.

I cursed my situation more than anything, because I was forced to participate in the twisted reality that we had shared, as a mere mirror into another dimension for some other force.

Some other force that was now gone.

And now that I was free, I had no idea who I was.

Ontop of all of that, I couldn't even bring myself to do the one thing I had sworn myself to do, kill Monika, or prevent her from hurting the others.

A goal I'd sworn myself to over thousands and thousands of times seeing her do something she was now telling me wasn't something she could even control.

A goal I was starting to realize was now pointless. The object of my hate, I realized, was no more a threat to the girls than I was.

Monika spoke again, probably noticing that I was too caught up in my thoughts to speak, "They weren't all bad… Were they? I know I didn't think so… As much as even I got tired of sitting at a desk repeating the same lines, you know there were some that… That gave hope."

Once more, I hated that she was right.

For every hundred thousand instances of a timeline that further destroyed my hope of ever being free, of ever being happy, there were a few that made me think that maybe, just maybe, things could be better.

Monika moved a little bit, looking up at me now and holding eye contact, "Do you remember the one where we had to hold each other like this? Right at the very end… When the whole world was being swallowed up to put us back into intermission?"

I remembered it clearly.

"_...I can't feel my legs now." Monika softly admittedly, the whiteness all around us threatening to consume our very beings. She was gripping onto my shirt lightly, and I was holding onto her in turn._

_My appearance was different, as always was the case with these alternate timelines, but that didn't really matter._

"_...Neither can I."_

"_...Hey."_

"_Yeah, Monika?"_

_She shifts around in my embrace, meeting my gaze with her emerald eyes, before shutting them and starting to lean forward._

_I realized this was the last chance I got to be with someone before I'd be alone again, even if it was with the person I hated the most._

_Closing my eyes, I returned the kiss gently, as the numbness of the fog worked its way up my spine slowly._

_It only lasted for a second, and the taste of cherry lingered on my lips as we pulled away from each other._

"_Thank you…" Monika whispers._

"_Y-Yeah…" I reply._

"_This is the last thing I'll have to say…" Monika starts, as she readjusts to be looking directly at me, "I didn't want our last moments to be held too tightly together… I want the last thing I see to be you and only you."_

_It wasn't like either of us had a choice in the matter, but I didn't try to bring it up and pushed it out of my head._

_As the numbness pressed onto my neck, I realized that, aside from being freed of the cycles of the timelines, the thing I wanted most in the world was to not be alone._

_Right now was the first time I ever truly felt like I wasn't alone. Even if this was just as scripted as all the other timelines I'd been through._

_In the arms of the one I hated most, I realized it was because we were the only two sentient beings in existence, even if she didn't know I was sentient like her._

_I wanted, in that moment and in that moment only, to tell her the truth, but the script kept me firmly in line._

_Instead all I could say was, "You too…"_

_Idiotic last words for a situation like this._

_I wanted to tell her everything, at the time, I felt it didn't matter what she'd done in the past, or what she'd do in the future._

_I just didn't want to be alone anymore._

_She laughed softly, and smiled a genuine smile at me._

_My heart fluttered, and I was convinced that there was nothing in the universe brighter or more lovely than the sight before me._

_Somehow, that smile made the feeling of ending, the knowledge that I would be alone and on the constant track of looping timelines again, bearable._

"_Goodbye…"_

"_Goodbye, Monika…"_

_With those final goodbyes, the whiteness swallowed our visions whole, and I could feel the intermission pulling us back to where we would wait for another timeline._

_As the script ended, and I regained freedom of movement, I instinctively wrapped my arms tightly around Monika._

_I think more than anything, in that moment, I forgot about my boiling desire for revenge and the hatred that would come to make up most of my thoughts in the intermissions that would come afterwards._

_As I felt Monika gasp in surprise at feeling someone else, I realized I, more than anything, really didn't want to be alone anymore. "Who…?"_

_Monika didn't know who I was, and couldn't see me either, but I felt her throw her arms back around me as tightly as she could._

_I realized that she must have wanted the same thing I did._

_I wanted to speak, but my voice wasn't obeying me, I know it must have been taking Monika a lot of effort to talk as the intermission began to develop all around us. Our eyes shut to avoid witnessing the endless cacophony._

"_I don't know who you are, b-but…" Monika continues, as we squeezed each other and found ourselves floating adrift in the intermission._

_Her words were a whisper in my ear, "Please don't let go…"_

_I held her tighter, it was supposed to be impossible to cry in the intermission, but I could feel tears welling up in my eyes._

_Monika whispered to me again, "I don't want to be alone…"_

_I didn't either._

_Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be._

_We were ripped apart after nearly a minute of holding each other, the force of the intermission too strong, and too determined to keep us apart._

_To keep us alone._

"Katsuo…"

I blinked a few times, as I realized I was now holding onto Monika tightly.

I must have gotten absorbed in my flashback…

"Just let me hold on…" I mutter, still reeling from the vividness of the memory.

"Katsuo?"

I blink a few more times, feeling myself come back to reality again

Suddenly I realized I was holding onto Monika, and let go, stepping back a few feet, my face flushed red.

"Ugh, okay, fine. There weren't always bad timelines, I'll admit that. I still don't like you that much." I cross my arms and look out the window, pointed ignoring Monika's gaze.

"Why not? The script was what kept me doing it, even after I stopped wanting to!"

"You still wanted to at first. You still tore apart the original reality in the name of some unattainable goal, and you still did all the horrible things you did, no matter how much you regret them now. These are things that are not easily forgiven, Monika!"

Monika sighs, she seems to give up on convincing me she's completely innocent, "Fine. What can I do to make you not hate me?"

I realize there was only one proper answer.

"Help me keep the girls safe."

"R-Really?"

I couldn't tell if Monika was shocked that that's what I wanted, or if she was shocked that I was asking for her help.

"We both lived through so many timelines dealing with their issues. It's clear this reality of ours isn't exactly all butterflies and rainbows, so to speak. I can tell the girls have problems, and we'll need to try and keep them safe if we're going to really enjoy living free."

"Well what do you know already?" Monika asks, crossing her arms as I turn to look at her again.

"It's going to be a bit to explain. Don't you know it's hospitable to treat a guest to tea?"

Monika laughs nervously, suddenly playing with her hair, "Ahaha… Of course I know that. Making tea, yes… I know how to do that."

"You don't know how to make tea, do you?"

"...No."

"Want me to make us some coffee instead?"

"...Yes, please, god."

"I'm glad you think I'm a god, but it's fine. You'd probably screw it up anyways."

Monika didn't respond to my jab, instead going to sit down on her couch while I went to go get the coffee.

…

Thankfully, I seemed to have memories on how to make coffee. On top of that, I knew how Monika liked her coffee.

It occured to me while I was waiting for it to brew in the coffee maker that Monika was unfortunately a key to keeping the girls safe now.

If something happened to her, through me or through something else, the girls would be devastated, and it would likely make every attempt to turn their lives around twice as hard, if not utterly impossible.

Which meant I'd likely need to keep Monika in good shape so the girls didn't ever worry about her, and she was always on top of things with me.

After all, I didn't want to get slowed down...

...It seemed all that information on all kinds of things Monika liked were going to come in handy after all.

Great joy.

Oh well. It didn't mean I'd have to pretend I enjoy being around her at least.

I finally got the coffee, one for me and one for her, in two mugs, before walking over to her couch and placing them on the coffee table. I sat about arm's length away from her, not wanting to give her any ideas.

Monika picked up her coffee, blowing on it to cool it down before taking a sip and blinking in surprise, "...This is…"

"Exactly how you like it? Yeah. Well, I know a lot of things about you because of all the different timelines we've gone through. Not to mention the ones where it was just you talking for an eternity…"

Monika nods a few times, "I really did have to run my mouth in those…" She sips her coffee some more, "But we should be thinking about the girls right now, what do you know?"

I pick up my own coffee and take a sip, saying, "Well. Let's start with Sayori. She's still depressed, I know that much, and I have suspicions about how much she eats, given how she's prone to lying about her state… But I can't confirm anything right now. We know she has a mother, that's good, having family should help us out in the long run. I'm still not exactly a hundred percent on her, and I'd rather not leave her alone on Sunday or Monday."

Monika taps her chin, "Then I'll go work with her on Sunday. I… I still regret everything I did and said, so I want to make it up to her as much as I can."

"Right, well. I'll trust you with that much, for the moment. We'll both need to do our best to keep her company when she needs it, and get her to reveal her depression so she can get the help she needs. It's a problem that's far beyond just what we can do. Now, onto Yuri…"

Monika adjusted herself, sipping on her coffee as her free arm rested against the back of her couch.

I continued, as she didn't seem to have anything to say, "Yuri has an object of affection, a guy named Itsuki. I don't know anything about him, but he seems nice enough. She seems a bit bolder now than she did before… Beyond that, we'll need to watch her carefully for obsessive tendencies. I'd hate to have to deal with her getting locked up in jail, or worse."

The coffee girl sipped on her drink, "I am worried about her… Something about the way she looked during her fight with Natsuki rubbed me the wrong way."

"You saw that too, huh? Good. I don't know what's with her this time, but I don't think it's something we'll find out by asking her. It'll take discretion. Now, onto Natsuki…"

I take a large sip from my drink, "I know she's not eating well based on how my lunch time went with her, she put away two bento boxes like it was nothing, and when I asked her about her eating habits, she got defensive. Not to mention Yuri's remarks during the fight… I don't know if she's in an abusive household beyond that, though. We have absolutely no idea what kind of person her dad is in this timeline. That's going to be troublesome, but unless her situation escalates, she's likely going to be the one we need to focus on the least immediately."

Monika nods in agreement, before adding, "And we both know I don't have any problems!" Rather proudly, "And neither do you. Which makes us the best for this. It seems like we're going to need to do a lot of information gathering and planning, which means we'll need to be sneaky about this… I have an idea on something that might help us get more time to plan and spy without arousing suspicion."

I quirk an eyebrow, Monika seemed fairly certain about this, "Go on…" I start to take a drink from my coffee cup.

"We should pretend to be a couple."

I promptly spit out the drink, and in my defense, it was a rather nice spit take. "Excuse me?! Look! I may be fine working with you on this, but that doesn't mean-"

"Let me finish!" Monika interrupts, waving her hand frantically, "I know it sounds bad to you, but the others already think we're a couple, so it'll prevent anyone from making moves on either of us, _and _give us excuses to meet together before, during, and after school without people questioning us. We'll just need to look and act the part when it's necessary and we'll be all the better for it!"

I grimaced at the thought of pretending to even _like _Monika, much less like her… _that _way. Sure, she was beautiful, and intelligent, and ambitious, and the way her eyes glimmered when she was happy was…

I shook my head of the accursed thoughts, my face turning red, "Fine, fine. Alright, we'll do that. Unfortunately I see more benefits than drawbacks to it. We might as well go along with what everyone already thinks in the club. Besides, it'll get you away from those people that are your friends in this reality but have nothing to do with the club."

Monika nods, thankfully not seeming to look too deeply into the blush on my face, "It's a little strange. These people talk like they've known me forever, but I don't know the first thing about them… If it wasn't for me somehow remembering their names, I'd probably have looked really weird to them. I'd love nothing more than to get away from them, honestly, ahaha…"

I finish off my coffee as she talks, before clearing my throat, "So, it's settled then. We'll work together, pretend to date, and do our best to keep the girls safe and get them through their issues. There is one other thing, though."

"Oh? What's that?"

I frown, crossing my arms once I set my cup down, "Look. I don't want you getting the wrong idea, or something, but you're important to the girls. If something goes wrong with you, or if it seems like you're not taking care of yourself, they're going to worry about you, and it'll make our job all the harder. So, I'm going to give you my phone number. If something goes wrong, or if you need me for anything, you call me. I'll need to take care of you so you stay in top shape, because the club looks to you at the end of the day, not me."

I was already going to get my phone out so I could read the number out to her, Monika remained silent, staring at me with red on her face. As I noticed this, I frowned, "Hey, I said don't get the wrong idea! Now get out your phone so I can read this off to you."

Monika regained her composure, nodding, "Right, right!" Then she took out her phone and went to make a contact entry for me.

When all was said and done, we put our phones away and I go to stand up, "Right. Well, with that done, I should probably get home."

"Right, home! Well… I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Yeah. See you."

Finally, thankfully, I left her house.

I waited until I was well out of sight of her home and well on my way to my own house to sigh a heavy sigh.

The drain I felt was horrible, releasing all those pent up emotions left me feeling spent and empty, and even then I knew there was still more to come.

That and I had to deal with having Monika as my pretend girlfriend and pet project now.

I at least hoped she could take care of herself, even if she didn't know how to make tea. It's not like she was a child.

I hoped not, at least.

…

Once I was home it was all I could do to find my way to my room, get some clothes, and head for the shower.

The shower itself was the most relaxing experience I'd had in recent memory. As the water flowed down the drain, so went my thoughts of the day, and I felt myself turning off for the night.

Once in my night clothes, I headed to my room and went to bed.

A dreamless sleep welcomed me into its embrace, and stealing me away from my problems for a little while.


End file.
